


nothing left for you - {y.kh x s.hs}

by smoshyphantrash



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Drug Abuse, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, From Sex to Love, Hate to Love, Love, Love/Hate, M/M, Making Love, Multi, Other, Past Abuse, Physical Abuse, Recovery, Redemption, Runaway, Sensuality, Slow Romance, Smut, Substance Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:00:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 26
Words: 40,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23801977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smoshyphantrash/pseuds/smoshyphantrash
Summary: Kihyun's known to be promiscuous, that's no secret. He likes to play but he never stays. So it's just his luck that he catches the most annoying, yet prettiest, boy he's ever seen.
Relationships: Lee Hoseok | Wonho/Original Female Character(s), Lee Hoseok | Wonho/Yoo Kihyun, Yoo Kihyun/Guess Who
Comments: 18
Kudos: 66





	1. the mantra

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warnings to be added as the story progresses as I do know that I tend to forget until I reread each chapter.
> 
> If you aren’t a fan of literally any of my other writings, don’t read this. 
> 
> Inspired by the song Nothing Left For You by Sam Smith.
> 
> • ‘cause I gave my heart to a goddamn fool. I gave him everything, now there’s nothing left for you. •

I don't stay. I made that rule when I moved here. I don't bring anyone to my apartment, I fuck in bathrooms if I have to. The only ones who have seen the inside of my apartment are me and my brother. Well, my childhood best friend turned sponsor, but that's a different story. Minhyuk and I have been through some shit together. We're polar opposites really for being born two weeks apart. I suppose the small time shift between our zodiacs is what that is. That's what my younger sister would say. 

Minhyuk and I used to be switched. He was the wild child and I was the one with my head screwed in all the way. Then I met... I don't even want to say his name. That fucker ruined me. And at that same time, Minhyuk had fucked up so much that he needed to get right. While I was on a dark path, he'd gone straight edge. Now, he's the one who's okay. I'm the one screwed up.

Four years ago, I was in shitty little town in New Jersey. Four months ago, I moved to L.A. with Minhyuk. Four weeks ago, I got black out drunk and Minhyuk almost couldn't wake me up. Four days ago, I went on a binge, and four minutes ago, I stumbled out of a club bathroom, barely able to walk. But it wasn't because of the sex, I was just high off my ass. And I could swear that four seconds ago, someone called after me. "Hey!" Damn, I was right. Had to be the guy I just fucked. It couldn't be Minhyuk, he stays at home at 10 o'clock at night fucking reading. 

I spun around a little too fast, swaying back. I felt someone catch me. "Ugh, let go of me," I slurred, pushing away from him. As I pushed, I almost ate shit on the pavement.

"No, hey," the guys said, catching me again. "Give me your keys," he sighed. "Damn, I feel like a fucking asshole." I didn't see why, no one ever said this before. It was kinda funny. I guess I really laughed though. "I didn't realize you were fucked up like this... Give me your keys. I had like two shots."

I shook my head, insisting on being alone. I knew what was coming. "No, no. I'm fine," I shrugged. He finally let me go and I went down.

I heard him walking up to me. "Listen, just let me drive you home, get you inside and then I'll get an Uber. You're either gonna sleep in your car all night and I'll bring your keys to you in the morning, or you're letting me drive you home. I don't know about you, but I'd much rather be home instead of in a sleazy alleyway in my car." That's the last thing I remembered.

I woke up to being fucking waterboarded. "Fuck!" I screamed out, throwing myself up. The sudden movement paired with the massive hangover migraine I had sent whatever bile was in my stomach to the floor in front of me.

"Detox, meeting, I'm watching you for a while." Minhyuk was pissed, not hard to tell.

I rolled my eyes. "Did you have to damn near drown me though? Where am I?"

Minhyuk scoffed slightly. "Kitchen floor, and yes. I'd rather you die drowning than from an overdose, Kihyun. I don't appreciate a random man bringing you to our door, you knocked the fuck out. You probably fucked him too right?" I started to stand up slowly with Minhyuk's help. As soon as I got up, I hurled into the trash can again. "I'm just glad these guys have been bringing you home to me. You're my little brother, you're my responsibility. And I would burn this fucking city down if I found out you were hurt." I pulled away from him, sniffling a bit.

And where were you when... he was in my life? Why didn't you burn the goddamn city down then? "I know. I'm sorry." He handed me a glass of water that I chugged. "I'm still... he's still stuck in my head."

Minhyuk nodded. "I know, and I'm here to help you. I know how much you needed to move away and I'm not leaving you by yourself. Not yet." I smiled softly, groaning a bit. I wasn't proud of myself, but I knew just how far I'd pushed myself and what level of detox I was at. Probably between at home and outpatient. I'd probably fight Minhyuk if he tried to get me in another inpatient program. 

"Who brought me home last night?" I asked.

Minhyuk shrugged. "It started with an H. He said he opened your phone with your thumbprint and texted himself so you could tell him you were okay today." Wow, this guy was really considerate. I do like a change in pace sometimes, but I still hate to break it to him.

I trusted my way to my room, plopping down on my bed. My blackout curtains were my best friends at the time. When I turned on my phone. My brightness was even turned all the way down. I never remembered to do that. 

There was a text from a Wonho? Is that who brought me home?

Me:  
hello  
Read 12:32AM

Wonho:  
Hey, Kihyun is it? Please text me when you come to so I know you're okay. And I'm really sorry for last night, I feel awful. Like I took advantage of you. I know we consented and you were all on me, but I feel like you really didn't know what was going on. I just feel really guilty and I'm really sorry. I hope you're okay.

Wow, this guy... he thought too much. Too much sober time on his hands.

Me:  
no worries, Wonho. I'm alive and well, thank you for bringing me home last night. And don't sweat it. I wanted it, I promise. Have a good one. 

Short and sweet, that's all he needed. That's all he was gonna get. And in two more weeks, I'll be right back out doing the same damn thing.

And then I get Minhyuk yelling from the living room for me. I groaned, getting up and slinking back into the living room. "Please don't yell, my head feels like I've been fucking shot." I looked up to see that guy with Minhyuk.

"I was actually pleasantly surprised to know you lived here... I just moved in last week. I wanted you to text me so I could bring you some lunch." Wonho handed me a takeout box. "It's full of good hangover foods. Beef and broccoli with rice. The carbs and the meat are really good at fighting it off."

I nodded softly, reaching for the box. "Thank you," I smiled softly. "But you should really go now. Forget about last night. It's better to not know me." As I made my way back to my room, I heard the two of them talking.

"Did I make him upset by overstepping?" Wonho asked softly. 

Minhyuk sighed a bit, opening the door. "No, it's not you. That's just how he is. Thank you for bringing him back last night." I sighed, sliding down my door. That's just how I am... just my luck, I had to run into one of the seemingly considerate guys. I already knew it was gonna be a struggle to shake him.


	2. junior year

The beginning of our junior year was where it all went wrong. Sophomore year, Minhyuk and I had a giant fight. During the last few weeks of summer, I went to Minhyuk's house to apologize and try to make it up to him. Mr. Lee was leaving the house when I pulled up. "Dad?" I asked as he locked up the house. He was the closest thing I had to a dad, so I'd just grown to call him mine. 

"Kihyun," he sighed softly. "It's been a while since I've seen you around here kid. What are you doing here?" 

I bit my lip. "Uhm, I wanted to come to apologize to Minhyuk, we had a huge fight and... yeah. I miss him and I wanted to get him." The way the pigment left his father's face scared me. 

He looked around. "Come with me," Mr. Lee sighed. As I got into the car, he typed something into the GPS. "I'm never good with these fucking directions." We were going to the hospital.

I furrowed my eyebrows. "What? Why are we going here?" I asked. 

"I came home last night and Minhyuk was unconscious on the couch. I thought he was taking a nap and I didn't bother him. But as I walked into the kitchen, I heard him choking. When I looked back at him, he was on the floor, having a seizure." I felt sick.

Our fight revolved around his drug problems. We never hung out when he was sober or without him getting high. He was at least decent enough to just smoke weed around me and never do anything harder than that. But still, I never knew who sober Minhyuk was anymore.

I had to go into our junior year without him. He was getting clean and he wasn't coming to school right away. I always felt guilty for his final binge. I'd said things I didn't mean and he felt isolated from everyone at that point. I felt guilty for leaving him behind. And going into our junior year alone and dangerously depressed was the beginning of my own downfall. That's when I met... him.

When I was 22 years old, I finally decided to date him. He'd been wanting me for almost five years at that point. At least, I'd thought he'd wanted me. Maybe he just wanted someone to hurt.

I woke up, sweating profusely. "God," I mumbled, reaching for my water. "Minhyuk?" I called out. He didn't answer me. "Minhyuk!" Nothing. I jumped up, rushing to the living room. I sighed a huge sigh of relief when I noticed he was just out on the balcony. But who was he with?

I walked out onto the balcony. "Oh, hey sleepyhead," Minhyuk smiled.

"What are you doing here?" I asked roughly.

His guest sighed a bit. "I don't have any friends and I don't like going out every night?" Wonho scoffed, grabbing a cigarette. 

"Whatever," I rolled my eyes. "Stop lying. You're trying to get closer to me. And I don't want you so please, just fucking please, for the love of God, go home!"

I started to head back into the apartment when his next sentence stopped me. "What the fuck is his deal? I'm not hurting anybody." I turned on my heel, staring at him.

My mind wandered to what happened when I left New Jersey. "This stupid ass told me he was moving to Los Angeles... With what money? My money? For what reason?" He was on the phone, talking to someone. "What the fuck is his deal? Changkyun, I don't fucking understand him, I don't get it." He didn't understand me? How come? What was there to not understand?

He had Changkyun on speaker. I was used to this, but it hurt every single time. "Stop trying to understand him, babe. He's just not worth it. A druggie. A whore." I sat in the bedroom, crying quietly to myself. "Just come home to me baby, he's not worth it. I'm all you ever needed and more."

My loving boyfriend sighed a bit. "You know I can't do that. Not right now. If I were to leave him? Everyone would know." And then I started to plan my escape. Until I froze in place again.

"People already know. Minhyuk told me how worried he is for Kihyun." When he was asked what he meant, I felt my stomach drop. "If we ever have to talk, I pretend I hate you. And he tells me everything. He tells me how he's seen Kihyun with bruises. How he's watched how you hold him. How you guys party. And he thinks something's up. And I tell him to follow his gut, knowing he never will. Why? Because literally no one gives a fuck about him. Not even his... brother. So you might as well just admit you love me." That was it. I grabbed my backpack, left my phone that he'd bought me, and left.

When I'd got to Minhyuk's house, I was a mess. Him and his dad walked outside to see me throwing branches at the house. "Kihyun!" Minhyuk yelled. "What the fuck?!"

I turned to him, breathing heavily. "You knew?" I screamed. "I stopped covering them up hoping you'd see, hoping someone would notice. You knew and you haven't said anything?" I threw a rock at him that he dodged.

"Are you drunk?" He asked. I was intoxicated but we weren't gonna talk about what it was. It was a little bit of everything. 

I started crying, taking my jacket off. "Minhyuk, you knew. You were right, whatever you thought, you were right." 

Mr. Lee took a deep breath. "Oh, Jesus." Even in the darkening night, he could see what I looked like.

Minhyuk gasped a bit, tears springing to his eyes. "Come inside, let me take care of you." I stepped closer to him slowly. And then I swung on him.

"I don't need anyone to take care of me. You fucking knew and you didn't say anything. You let me lie to your face. You let me go home with him every night and you knew. You let him take me out of your hands when I was so fucking drunk I couldn't stand." Minhyuk grabbed my arms so I'd stop trying to fight him. I was too upset. "And I couldn't speak, but I wanted you to recognize how much dead weight I tried to put on him. So he'd had a harder time taking me from you. I wanted you to see how I didn't want to be with him, I didn't want to go. And you never fucking said anything. You knew, didn't you? Something in your gut told you?"

Minhyuk sighed a bit and nodded. "I didn't know what to do, Bubba. I've been trying to confirm, I've been trying to make sure I could do right by you." I shook my head.

I finally stopped fighting him, wrapping my arms around him. "Not only has he been beating my ass, he's been cheating on me. And you tell his lover everything." When he understood what I meant, his body tensed up. "And they talk. Out loud. It's bad enough I know he's cheating but it's worse to know that I h-hear them." That's when I broke down even more. "He'll bring him over and either make me lock myself in the bedroom and I can hear them in the living room... or lock me out of the bedroom and take him there. And when I cry, they laugh. It turns them on. This is what happens every damn day and... and you didn't say anything." Minhyuk took me in the house.

The events slipped together, now back to my reality. A big panic attack with Minhyuk holding onto me. "Uhm, Wonho, I'll FaceTime you later, is that okay?" He nodded, apologizing as he left. "Bubba?" Minhyuk sang softly. "It's okay, you're with me. It's Minhyuk, it's Bear." Our parents used to call us Bear and Bubba, Bubba and Bear. It never left us.

I took a deep breath, trying to calm down as I continued shaking. "Minhyuk?" I asked softly. He nodded, holding onto me tightly. "I don't want him here again. Please. I don't want him here." He sighed a bit, nodding to please me in the moment.


	3. sacrifice

"Kihyun, get up." Minhyuk sighed. It was the next day, my binge sickness wearing off but my detox sickness kicking up. "Last time to laid around during a detox, you were actually struggling with an infection and we didn't know. I need you active."

I rolled my eyes. "I lived that, I was kinda there." I sat up, running my hands through my hair.

Minhyuk stood at my bedroom door. "And I need a favor from you," he sighed. I looked up at him, squinting to see. "We don't have friends here, Kihyun."

I stopped him before he began. "I don't need friends," I said.

"No, you just need a new dick in your ass every night and you're good to fucking go right?" Minhyuk cocked his head at me. "Interrupt me one more time, Kihyun." I scoffed, laying back down and throwing a pillow over my face. "If not him, how about someone you haven't banged? I love you to death but I'm so fucking tired of just being here to detox you." 

I snatched the pillow off my face. "Then don't. I didn't ask you to detox me, or do anything like that for me. You're my best friend, you're my brother. I love you-"

Minhyuk cut me off. "You may love me but I know you don't like me." He shook his head. "And I'm sorry that you don't, but I need more than this. You're punishing me because you haven't forgiven me." I groaned exaggeratedly.

"Fine. You wanna hang out with him? Do it at his place." I got up and headed to the bathroom.

When I got to the bathroom, I just sat on the floor, trying to get myself together. I snapped at him for no reason and now I feel bad. He had given up so much for me. Minhyuk left his home just to take me a nation away from him, and he didn't leave me because I was a mess and he was worried. And all I do is get shitfaced and fucked up. I looked up to see the door opening. "You can sit here and cry but you keep this door open." He was so in tuned to me as we'd grown up. He knows what goes through my mind.

"I'm sorry," I sighed softly, wiping my tears.

Minhyuk nodded. "I know you are, that's why I want this door opened. Since my bedroom is literally right across, I can go do my work and stay watching you." I hated that he felt the need to do so. But I couldn't say anything.

Despite how kind Minhyuk was being, I just kept flashing back. That one day where I was editing some photographs that I had to finish by the end of the week. I was listening to music to drown out the fact that they were in the next fucking room. My editing room didn't have a door on it. He'd taken it off. As my song changed, I heard him tell Changkyun to wait a minute. He came in, snatching the headphone jack out of my phone. "I don't wanna hear shit coming from here either." With that, he turned around and went right back to making out with Changkyun. I sighed a bit, trying to plug the headphones back in. But we both knew what he'd done. Ripping them out like that destroyed the jack. There wasn't a distraction for the porno being made next to me. I ended up not making the deadline for my photos and I had to give another discount to the customer to compensate and it almost cost me my job.

I couldn't stop remembering things. Every shower I took, I was reminded of how I'd wake up in the bathtub, still wet from showering off my intoxication. We'd fuck and he'd leave me there because he couldn't pick me up. I was too heavy, he said. Every bite of food I took, I'd hear him say, "Dude, when don't you fucking eat? Like goddamn, we spend so much on food and you eat most of if." Sitting in our living room even, watching tv reminded me of how instead of choosing to go out and get drunk, he'd want to stay in and get high instead. The first few times we'd had sex while we were high off our asses, it was amazing. The next few were tiring and by the time he'd started fucking both of us, it was exhausting. 

"Bubba," Minhyuk sighed softly. "Come on, I know you want to brush him off, but I'm not leaving you here. And I want to respect the fact that you don't want him here. I know how you feel about bringing home another man. So, let's go visit him. He's just upstairs." I nodded softly, starting to get up off the floor.

No matter how much I hated this, it was the least I could do for Minhyuk. He'd done so much with no payoff. "Hey, come on in!" Wonho smiled softly. We were in 202, he was in 302. So when Minhyuk said right upstairs, he meant it literally. "Can I get you guys anything to drink or snack on?"

Minhyuk thought for a bit. "You have any sprite and crackers?" He asked. Wonho nodded, disappearing into his kitchen. "You wanna sit down?" He asked softly. I shook my head. When Wonho came back with a plate of club crackers and a can of sprite, Minhyuk thanked him. "Uhm... this might be a little inappropriate, but do you have a place where he can lay down? He's still not feeling his best and I didn't want to leave him alone." Wonho led us to his bedroom. It was quaint. 

"I'm sorry it's still got boxes and shit," he said. "I haven't found the time to get completely moved in yet. Or to invest in a storage unit. I'll forget to pay the bill." He laughed a bit to himself. "But yeah, Kihyun. You can lay on my bed, that fleece is really soft and warm." I nodded softly as they left to go back to the living room.

I sat on his bed, still not feeling comfortable enough to lay on it yet. I took in the sights of the room. It was pretty spacious. Then again, it looked exactly like Minhyuk's room, minus the boxes. I looked at his nightstand, catching a glimpse of a picture of him and a girl. She was too close to be his sister but too far away to be his girlfriend. I looked at the date on the back. Less than two months ago. "Who just up and leaves someone like this?" I asked softly.

"That's Kailah," Wonho spoke up. I jumped a bit when I noticed him. "And ask her. Her number's in that drawer." I furrowed my eyebrows as I gingerly went to check. 

When I opened the drawer, the immediate remorse almost made me gag. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean..." Wonho shook his head.

"Open it and grab it." He slowly walked towards me. I gulped a bit, taking the funeral program out. "You and I aren't much different, Kihyun. I can tell you've been hurt. Not to be crude or anything, but I can tell from the way you fuck." I nodded a bit, opening the program up. I'm sure he noticed my smile fade. "Yeah, that was her blanket. I honestly came back to offer you another one so I could take this one back. I was gonna tell you it needed to be washed or something. It didn't feel right to let you use it. I'm sorry."

I sighed a bit. "I should be the one apologizing." I looked at the blanket, touching it a bit.

He had a quizzical look on his face. "For what, having your guards up? I'm sorry for expecting you to just drop them." I bit my lip a bit. "All those boxes are her things. And I can't bring myself to put it away. Or bring them out. I don't know what it was that hurt you. But we aren't much different." He went to his closet, grabbing another blanket. "There you go," Wonho smiled, making the switch. I thanked him again, letting him leave. I felt like a fucking asshole.


	4. going under

I hadn't laid down at all. I just found myself sitting on the floor behind Wonho's bed, watching the sun set. We'd been here for hours and I just wanted to go home or go out. But I could do things for Minhyuk for once. Being in here obviously smelled like Wonho and all I could think about was that quickie in the bathroom.

I did my typical thing, getting high before going out so I didn't get in any more legal trouble than I would for screwing in public. "Please be careful, Kihyun." Minhyuk told me as I was on my way out the door. Maybe an hour into me trying to pick up someone, Minhyuk texted me, letting me know that I left my blunt lit again and if I burned down the apartment, I'd do all the jail time. I just put my phone on Do Not Disturb. Whenever I was out partying, even though Minhyuk was the only one I knew here, I expected my ex to know where to find my number. So I generally kept it on Do Not Disturb anyway.

"Well hello there, cutie." Wonho had walked up behind me. "Can I buy you a drink?" He asked. Fuck, he was hot. He was every woman's dream, extremely stereotypically masculine. I was surprised to catch someone like him at a bar like this. 

I smiled at him, turning around slightly. I had certain moves that were sure to get me laid. First, I would turn around, leaning back into the arm that was propped on the bar. Then I would look him in the eyes, smiling and biting my lip. I'd tell him to get me a flirty fizz and turn around. When he puts both of his hands down from behind me, which he will do, I take my drink and as we talk, I softly touch his hands and look back at him. Then, I ask if he's ever had one of my drinks and usually it's a no. I ask when there's barely anything left to drink. That way, I can kiss him for him to taste it. Then we order two flirty fizzes. Once we finish those, I lead him toward the back. It gets me laid most of the time. 

When I met Wonho, I guess I'd over done my high. Everything felt so good to me, the drinking, the drugs, the sex. The only thing I can vaguely remember from the back of the club is Wonho panicking, helping me with my pants and trying to avoid catching his own dick in his zipper. He was panting and pacing. "Oh fuck, oh fuck! Oh my God." He didn't know whether to call for help or call for 911. "Fuck, Kihyun?" He asked softly. I felt him put water on my face. That's when my eyes fluttered open and Wonho visibly melted into relief. "God, let's get you home. Are you a lightweight?" He asked, helping me with my jacket. He was taking it off and rolling up my sleeves so I could get some air. He didn't need to ask me another else when he saw my inner arms. "Oh my God," he mumbled. I giggled a bit, throwing my body on his. "No, no. No more. Let's get you home."

My thoughts were interrupted by Wonho opening his door. "I thought you were sleep," he said softly. "Minhyuk went back downstairs a little while ago, do you wanna go? I'll walk you down there." There he went, being considerate again.

I shook my head, standing up. "Thank you," I said softly. As I started to walk out, I remembered his words. "Why aren't we so different after all?" I asked. "Did your ex get you addicted to drugs so he could get you high enough to let him do anything he wanted? Beat you, fuck his little whore, make you his little bitch?" Wonho cocked his head slightly. "Did your ex hurt you? Put his hands on you, talked down to you, fucked a little too rough? Did he make you quit your job so you had no sort of worth to yourself. Did he keep you locked in the house all day? How could you and I possibly be similar?"

Wonho shrugged softly. "Well," he started. "I see why you're so closed off." I folded my arms across my chest. "But I'll ask you this. If you're trying your damnedest to push me away, why did you just tell me your deepest darkest secrets?" He asked.

I bit my lip a little bit. "Sometimes you gotta talk if you wanna know."

He shook his head. "Why do you want to know if you don't plan on keeping me in your life?" Fuck, he was annoying.

"You're in my brother's life," I shrugged. "We're talking because he wants to be close to you so I have to get closer to you."

He was satisfied with that response. "No, my ex didn't abuse me." And that pissed me off for some reason.

I rolled my eyes. "Don't put words in my mouth," I snapped.

Wonho shrugged. "I summarize, you just told me all the things your ex did to you. All abusive tactics. Now, will you let me speak so you can get your answers and leave?" Nothing was stopping me anyway but I nodded. "My ex didn't hurt me the way your ex hurt you. She hurt me in a way I never knew would hurt so much. When you saw that picture of us, you probably noticed how standoffish she seemed?" I nodded, shifting my weight to my good side. "I should've noticed. She wasn't the same girl. Kailah... she was a godsend for me. I should've noticed and maybe I could've been a godsend for her. A few months ago, I came home, she wasn't anywhere around. So I went to go sit on the balcony to smoke. And something fell like it had been thrown off the roof. I got up, like, what the fuck was that? And I noticed her hair. The clothes she was wearing, a pair of my sweatpants and a white t-shirt. I would've thought it was another girl in our building if it weren't for that tattoo sleeve she had." My heart dropped and my defenses stood down. 

"God," I whispered softly. "I-I'm so sorry." I didn't know what to say.

Wonho went quiet for a second. "Yeah so, we're not so different. So can you please stop treating me like shit for caring a bit about you? Like, you almost fucking died on me. You don't think, now, that that was a little triggering for me? Stop pushing away someone trying to give a damn about you. Do you want to fucking go home?" His voice had risen a few notches as he tried to fight back his tears. I nodded. "I will walk you home." With that, Wonho lead me out of his room and took me downstairs.

He knocked on the door softly. I didn't know what to say. Sorry had been in my vocabulary for so long, but it wasn't coming up much anymore, even when it desperately needed to. "Hey," Minhyuk smiled softly. Kihyun, I made your bed. Thanks for letting him sleep a little while longer." 

I went to open my mouth, but Wonho spoke before I could. "No, it's perfectly okay. I'll see you tomorrow maybe?" He asked. Minhyuk nodded, bringing me inside.

"What's wrong with you?" Minhyuk asked, leading me to the bathroom so I could shower. I shook my head, turning on the shower. "I'll be in my room if you need me, okay?" I nodded, closing the door behind him. It was then that I started to cry.


	5. drown.

Something about Wonho's story had me in a terrible bout of depression. It got to a point of just waking up, eating a few crackers, and back to sleep. I hadn't been this bad since my ex started turning into someone I didn't know. It came back every once in a while, this depression. Generally before he went off on me. My body could tell a forecast of the shitstorm coming my way from him.

"Kihyun," Minhyuk sighed. "I'm going upstairs for a little bit. I drew you a bath, don't let it get cold." I nodded, getting up to lock the door behind him.

I turned away from the front door after he left, heading to the bathroom. As I sunk into the tub, letting my muscles relax, I suddenly felt even more tense. Like someone was watching me. Even though it was just me, it felt like someone was pushing me under.

Minhyuk was bold to let me take a bath alone. I sighed, grabbing my phone. There was a message request in my texts. I immediately called Minhyuk. “I’m getting out, I’m coming upstairs.” I didn’t say anything else or let him say anything else. I got out of the tub, changing quickly before heading upstairs.

When Wonho answered the door, the moment I saw Minhyuk, I melted. “He’s coming, Bear.” I tossed him my phone. His face fell as he began to . “What do I do? I don’t know what to do? Tell me what to do.” Minhyuk pulled me into a tight hug.

“Shhh, it’s okay Bubba.” I just let all my tears soak into Minhyuk’s shirt. “Wonho, can you let him live here for a little bit? Please?”

This was the exact thing that I was terrified of. “What’s going on here?” Wonho asked.

“His ex found his phone number. He’s found us.” Minhyuk sighed. “Did you really think skipping town was the best way to get away from me? You’re fucking stupid. Never been worth shit, I don’t know what I expected. I’m coming to get you.” 

I shuddered softly as I let the tears fall. “I literally moved a whole country length away from him! New Jersey to California, how the fuck did he find me? I didn’t even wear any of the same clothes, I literally ditched my clothes in a goddamn gas station Mon just bought me all new ones. I don’t gave anything of his? Not his phone, no piece of jewelry, no watch, no stuffed animals, I even ditched my bag! How did he find me?” I couldn’t calm down. 

“Okay, you can stay here. We’ll keep you safe, Kihyun. Trust me, okay?” Wonho took me from Minhyuk’s arms while Minhyuk went downstairs.

I shook my head. “He, fucking, found me!” I screamed, working myself into hyperventilating.

Wonho shushed me. “You have to calm down or he’ll find you here, okay? Everyone can probably hear you, we can’t let him hear you. I’m gonna call a friend of mine, okay? I have a bit of a plan.” I nodded, wiping my tears away. “Is he the type of person who wants to pry unless he’s intruding awkwardly?” I nodded slowly. “So basically, what’s gonna happen is you’re going to hide in my bedroom, you’re gonna be with Soojin, right?” I nodded, following along a little bit. “We’re gonna make it look like I’m a bit busy when I answer the door, if he shows up here looking for you.” 

I crunched my eyebrows up in confusion. “Okay, now I’m lost.” Wonho chuckled softly. 

“It’s okay, just go in my room. Soojin’s coming downstairs.” I did what I was told, going into his room.

My phone dinged. “I will find you, don’t even worry your pretty little head about it.” I was going to puke.

When Soojin came downstairs, her and Wonho made their way to his room. “Hello, I’m Soojin,” she smiled, waving at me.

“Kihyun,” I replied.

Wonho came in, shutting the door. “So what’s gonna happen here is...” Wonho took his shirt off, handing it to Soojin. “When I answer the door, it’s gonna look like we’ve gotten hot and heavy.”

I furrowed my eyebrows. “Oh, I’m sorry.” I realized Soojin was changing into just his shirt. When I turned away, I heard them giggle.

“I honestly don’t mind,” Soojin laughed. “Okay, let’s mess up your hair.” She ruffled Wonho’s hair up really quickly. I don’t know why but it kinda made me feel some kind of way.

Wonho laughed, ruffling the back of her hair. “You look... fucked.” They both turned to look at me, laughing at my reaction. “We’re best friends, and we do this sometimes literally just to fuck with people. Like we’ll order a pizza and do this.”

Soojin laughed a bit. “My girlfriend hated that I did this shit just for fun until we all did it one day and she understood why.” I must’ve given her a weird look. “No, I’m not straight.” I nodded, smiling a little bit.

Minhyuk texted me, letting me know that my ex was on the way. “Ooh shit, wait!” Wonho grabbed my hand and led me to his private bathroom connected to his bed room. “This might be better for you to hide.” He said, putting me in the little shower he had in there. “Water?” He asked Soojin. She turned on the faucet, patting her face with some water. Wonho put some water on his chest and his face. 

As soon as they finished that, there was a knock on the door. I covered my mouth, trying not to scream. Soojin stayed with me for a little while as we listened for Wonho’s cues. “Hello?” He asked.

When I heard his voice, tears started to stream again as I kept my mouth open, hyperventilating silently. Soojin held my hand, trying to relax me. “Hello, my name is Jooheon. I’m looking for someone named Kihyun? Is he here?”

Wonho chuckled. “I don’t even know someone named Kihyun, bro. Is that all?” I heard the door start to shut.

“Wait!” Jooheon stopped him. “Can I use your bathroom?” 

Wonho sighed. “Look, the only bathroom I have is connected to my room and I’m a little bit busy in there.” That was the cue.

“Baby?” Soojin left the bathroom and headed out to the front area. “What’s taking you so long?” She whined. “You can’t just leave me like that.” I guess she looked up to see Jooheon. “Oh my God!”

Jooheon stuttered. “O-oh, sorry man. I get it.” Wonho scoffed, shutting the door in his face.

They were quiet for a second. “Now, where were we?” I peered my head out of Wonho’s room, looking at what they started to do to drive the point home. Wonho picked Soojin up, holding her up against the wall while she wrapped her legs around his waist.

I giggled a bit, since I knew they were only fucking with him. But my heart was still heavy. What the fuck was I upset for? He was just a one night stand. She was gay, or at least in a relationship. Why was I so upset? After faking more sex noises to add the cherry on top, Wonho let her down. “Whew, that was a lot. When should I leave?” She asked.

“I would say after Minhyuk texts me, telling me Jooheon left the apartment complex.” I sighed, taking a breath, hoping he’d leave me alone after this. 

Soojin came in and changed her clothes back and gave Wonho his shirt back. “I’m gonna watch some TV, Wonnie.”

He nodded, closing his door. “Do you wanna talk or anything?” Wonho offered me. 

I shook my head. “Thank you,” I mumbled. Kim sorry to impose.”

Wonho shook his head. “Nonsense. But can I ask you a question?” I nodded, sitting on the edge of his bed. “Were you jealous?” I furrowed my eyebrows. Mostly because... how did he know? But also because... no? I wasn’t?

“And what would you do if I said yes?” I asked, defensively.

Wonho looked at me up and down. The sexy check out, I called it. Fuck, he had to look at me like that, didn’t he? I quickly engaged in a kiss, making my way to straddle his lap. “Looks like you wanted to say yes.” Wonho chuckled, pulling away.

I rolled my eyes. “Just shut the fuck up and drop your pants so I can suck you off.” I didn’t know what I was doing at this point. This has never happened. I’m the king of one night stands. I never made it two nights. But once I started, I couldn’t stop. A fire ignited in my stomach, and he was the water I needed to stop it with.


	6. constriction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kihyun goes out again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: violence, abuse, suicide talk.

“Holy shit,” Wonho chuckled to himself. “That is the best sex I’ve ever had. Well, second best.” I know he was looking at me, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. All I was thinking about what if Jooheon stayed nearby? What if he heard me? What if he came back for me? I was petrified and I felt like I couldn’t move. 

On top of that, this man had me breaking my own rules. “This wasn’t supposed to happen.” 

I don’t know why I expected him to just let me leave it at that, but I did. Instead, he decided to ask. “Why wasn’t it?” This guy and his goddamn questions.

That’s when I turned to look at him. “I don’t stay anymore. I swore I wouldn’t. Not if staying gets me hurt. I don’t stay.” I looked for my clothes on the floor, shifting to get changed.

“Okay?” He sighed a bit. “Do you want me to turn around too?” I stared blankly at him. He scoffed a bit. “Right.” Wonho put on his boxers before leaving the room. 

I felt gross. Isn’t that how I was supposed to feel after countless one night stands? I could tell that he hated that I was upset, I hated it too. After getting my clothes on, I texted Minhyuk, asking if I could come home. Then Wonho’s phone rang. “Wonho!” I called out, taking his phone to him. Soojin was laying down on the couch, taking a nap.

He scrunched his eyebrows in confusion. “Hello?” He answered. “Oh my god... what do you want, Vernon? How did you even get this number?” I couldn’t help but pay attention. “Shut the fuck up. I don’t want to hear anything to have to say to me.”

It was quiet between the both of them for a second before I could hear Vernon say something. “Giving up the same way you gave up on Kai? Got it.” And in an instant, Wonho slammed his fist down on his table, causing Soojin to wake up and come over to him while I fell to the ground, covering my head. 

“Don’t you dare fucking talk to me like that, especially about Kai.” He hung up his phone before throwing it against the wall. Fortunately, for him, the phone didn’t break. But unfortunately for his security deposit, he put a dent in the wall.

While Soojin came to help him, I felt nailed down to the floor. “Help,” I whispered softly. Suddenly, I was back in Jersey. “Help me, please? Help me, help me, help me.”

Laughter. “Help you for what?” Jooheon chuckled. “God, you fucking piss me off. If you weren’t so goddamn dramatic, maybe you wouldn’t have gotten your ass beat.” His shrug sent me spiraling more. I couldn’t breathe. I fell down near my bag and I was just an arms length away from it. Or a few inches off. We ordered rice bowls and the grill must’ve had shrimp left over on it. I could taste the jalapeño juice left behind, I never asked for it. I thought it was just me struggling with the heat, but then breathing got more and more difficult.

“Joo,” I wheezed, reaching for my bag. He kicked it a little further away from me. “Fuck, please come on!” I ended up giving up and passing out. When he couldn’t hear my breathing, that’s when it occurred to him to call 911 for me. I see the cricothyroidotomy scar every day, reminded of it.

I hadn’t realized that Minhyuk had come upstairs. “What the fuck happened here?” He asked, laying down next to me. “Shh, what’s wrong?”

Soojin sighed softly, taking care of Wonho. “Someone called Wonho and he hit on something sensitive. And then he had an outburst and I think that scared Kihyun.” She got it right, but I couldn’t move.

“Ki, let’s go.” Minhyuk said, holding his hand out for me. 

I shook my head as my entire body stiffened, yet kept quivering. “I-I can’t move. I can’t feel anything. Help me. I-I can’t.”

Minhyuk closed my eyes for me, starting to whisper. “It’s okay, listen to me. We’re going to go when you’re ready. I love you, okay? I’m right here for you.” I couldn’t breathe. Suffocation. Constriction. I felt Jooheon’s knee digging into my stomach. Why the fuck did a loud sound dismantle me like this?

“I can’t get up, Min. I can’t move my arms.” I still had my hands clasped behind my head, protecting it. I wanted him to pick me up, but I knew if he did, I’d scream. I’d scream bloody fucking murder and hit at him. Because for once, I’d be able to. Fight back? I’d be able to fight back, even though he wasn’t hurting me.

Minhyuk sighed, continuing to talk me down. It took quite a bit of time, but eventually I started to push myself up off the floor. “There you go,” he smiled. “Attaboy.” 

I scoffed, getting myself up. “I’m not a fucking child or a goddamn dog.” I looked up to see Wonho scowling at me. “The fuck are you looking at, huh? You caused this one.” He chuckled, rolling his eyes.

“I’m sorry you can’t handle loud fucking noise.” I could see Minhyuk’s jaw drop in my peripheral.

If this didn’t ruin our little... whatever the fuck we had, I don’t know what would have. “I’m sorry you can’t handle hearing that you didn’t help your girlfriend.” As soon as I said it, I wanted to take it back. “Oh God, wait...”

Wonho’s heart jumped from his chest and shattered on the ground beneath him. “Get the fuck out of my fucking apartment. Now.” He was oscillating between screaming at me and crying. Minhyuk grabbed my hand and drug me out of his apartment, hurrying down the stairs.

As soon as we got into our apartment, Minhyuk went off. “Are you fucking kidding me, Kihyun?” He asked. Before I could speak, he cut me off. “You... you can get away with being a dick to me. You’re hurting, you’re scared, you’ve been abused and I didn’t help you. You can get away with being mean to me. But anyone else? Especially when you know something that could hurt them? That’s just fucked up. Not like you at all. What the fuck did you do that for?”

I took a quick breath before screaming out at him. “I don’t know!” I looked away, wiping the tears coming. “I wanted to ruin things, I guess.” Minhyuk scowled at me.

“For who, me or you?!” He asked.

I sighed, “Me! Or me and him. Whatever.” Minhyuk was disappointed. “We slept together again and it was a mistake and it shouldn’t have ever happened and it can’t happen again. So I wanted to make him hate me. I just didn’t think it through.” He shook his head.

“You‘re goddamn right, you didn’t.” Minhyuk started for his room. “If you ever say some disrespectful shit like that again, you’ll fuck things up with me. I’ve had it, Kihyun. That could’ve so easily been you and me. I swear to God, if you bring my mother up in argument like that?” My heart sunk. I forgot about that. “Shit’s fucked up. You never, ever... never throw a suicide back in a loved one’s face. Ever. And I have absolutely zero problems calling you a piece of shit for that piece of shit move.” When he shut his bedroom door, I went to text Wonho an apology. 

Me:  
Hoseok, I’m so sorry. I never should’ve said that. 

Within seconds, he replied.

Wonho:  
I don’t know why I’m about to tell you this but Vernon is Kai’s brother. He’s been making me feel like shit since we met, but especially after she killed herself. He blames me for everything, forgetting that he was a homophobic, misogynistic bastard to her throughout their lives. I feel like shit every fucking day about her death. And yeah, I guess I shouldn’t have gone for you like that. But yeah. Let’s let tonight die out the way it’s supposed to. And let Minhyuk know that I’m not upset with him. I know he’s probably concerned about that.

I felt a blanket of calm over me, as I sent the next text.

Me:  
I guess I enjoyed tonight a lot more than I wanted to or ever thought to and then I freaked out. And I get aggressive when I come out of a breakdown like that. So I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen like this at all. It shouldn’t have happened .

I was content until I realized it wasn’t sending. No delivered notification. No read receipt. And that’s when I realized that he’d blocked my number. 

When I fuck up, I get fucked up. But I didn’t have any of my usual things. So I just called an Uber, ready to take on the night.

I never stepped out on the town... aware? Aware of my surroundings, aware of what I was doing, aware of who the fuck I even was. Coming out sober was a feat all by itself. I was far more anxious than I’d been before. Is that why I started getting high before coming out?

As I sat down to the bar, I just ordered a hard raspberry lemonade, trying to be a little tamer. “I saw you from the moment you walked in.” A voice spoke from behind me. I turned around slowly, expecting to see my worst nightmare. Instead, I was faced with a long, tan, handsome man. “You look just like the type I’d take home.”

I smiled softly, tracing his pecs through his tight, black shirt. “Oh, really? I just might let you.” I leaned up to kiss him like my life depended on it. I hadn’t even been out for an hour before I was thinking about going back to someone’s hotel for the night.

“Hyunwoo,” he smiled as he pulled away.

I furrowed my eyebrows. “What do I need your name for?”

He let his hands fall to my ass. “Well, you’ll be screaming it all night,” he started kissing my neck.

I giggled, running my hands through his hair. “Daddy works just fine.” With that, he gripped my ass a little tighter before bringing me closer to him, starting to walk me out.

Fifteen minutes later, we were making out as he pinned me against the wall, slowly grinding against me. I opened my eyes for a second to notice a bag. It looked like a bag I used to have. I was just making things up. “God, I’m gonna fuck you senseless.” 

The words I wanted to hear, all I needed to make me feel better. “You fucking better,” I smiled, jumping into his arms.

“Don’t even worry your pretty little head about it.” I turned my head away from him. That’s what Jooheon said. “What’s wrong?” Hyunwoo asked softly. “Are you okay?”

I didn’t know. “Yeah,” I smiled, resuming the kiss. “I’m fine.” With that, he took me to the bedroom, laying me down on the bed. The room... smelled like him. I looked toward the second bed in the room. The second half of the room definitely had Jooheon’s suitcase. He had a plastic shell suitcase. It was red. Beat the fuck up. And I was fucking staring at it. “Uhm,” I scrambled to sit up. “Why are you in town again?” I asked, trying to stall.

Hyunwoo looked at me in confusion. “Uhm, a business trip.” He went to kiss me again but I turned away.

My heart sunk quick, fast, and in a hurry. “What company?”

“Bridgepoint Incorporated?” He stood up, sighing a bit.

I started feeling the tightness in my chest again. “You’re rooming with a Jooheon Lee, aren’t you?” I was fucked. I was so fucked.

“You’re goddamn right,” Jooheon smiled, walking into the bedroom. “But he’s gonna go away now,” he handed Hyunwoo a $100 bill. “Because we have some business to attend to ourselves.” I looked up at Hyunwoo, praying that my eyes were telling him not to leave me with him. And his eyes told me he was just as afraid of him as he walked out. 

I felt hopeless, sinking into tears. “Jooheon, we’re happy now. I’m not a problem of yours, you can be with Changkyun like you want. Please. Please, just let me go home.”

He laughed, grabbing my chin. “Don’t start crying now, bitch.” I tried shaking his grip but it was no use. Then I went to try to bite, but I could barely open my mouth. “I’ll break your motherfucking neck of you bite me, Kihyun.” I nodded, closing my eyes. “Did you miss me, baby?” I just cried.

“Please don’t hurt me,” I whispered, stiffening up.

Jooheon snickered a bit. “Please don’t hurt you? You run away from me, make my life a living hell? And you think I’m not supposed to hurt you? Please, that’s what I want you for. You know what’s about to happen. I’m gonna make you regret running from me. Drop you right the fuck back at the bar you were at. So your new little fuck toy you were staying with can see. Huh?” I tried to let my mind take me elsewhere. Anywhere else. “You wanna relax, babe?” I did but not if he was offering. I shook my head. “Here,” he threw my head away from him, reaching for his bag. “Here baby, take this.” A Xanax. I shook my head, keeping my mouth closed.

I put up a fight this time. “No!” I screamed. “Help me! Help!”

He grabbed my wrists, throwing me into a nearby wall. “Fucking take it, Kihyun.” I shook my head. He pinched my nose, making me open my mouth to breathe. After he gave me the pill he smiled. “Now,” he smirked. “That wasn’t so hard, huh?” He shrugged before landing a punch that knocked me out cold.

That’s all I remembered. I didn’t remember getting back home. I heard Minhyuk crying. “He’s dead. He’s fucking dead. I can’t... I can’t. Oh God, help me!” He was ruined.

“He’s not dead,” Wonho sighed. “He’s breathing.” I tried to open my eyes or speak. But it hurt. So I hopes he could hear me whine in pain.

I groaned, trying to make louder noise. “Ki?” Minhyuk asked, grabbing my hand. “Bubba, say something. Anything?”

He was so loud, I needed him quieter. “Shh,” I whined. “Ouch.” He took a deep breath, starting to cry tears of relief.

“Okay, we need to get him to the hospital,” Wonho sighed. If I could speak better, I would thank him. But I just let myself dip back into unconsciousness again.


	7. gone

The fucking ringing in my left ear was killing me. My jaw was swollen, my nose felt broken, I couldn't breathe well. This was the worst he'd ever beaten me and we weren't together. If he hated me so much, why wouldn't he let me leave?

I walked on into the house one day. I wasn't even there all the way. There's a significantly high probability that I was high or something. But nevertheless, he was there, ready to scream at me over something. "I swear to God, you'd serve me better if you were gone." And I tried to give him that. I'm guessing that he wanted me dead?

"Well, he has a ruptured ear drum, that'll heal on its own," the doctor said, catching my attention a little bit. "Is it ringing?" I nodded. "It'll stop by itself. I'm a little concerned about his concussion. If he goes to sleep, wake him up about every hour and a half. I would say two hours, but I'm really worried about it. What happened to you, son?"

Minhyuk went to speak, but I grabbed his hand. "I- uh." I couldn't hear myself well. It was like my thoughts were being repeated over what I was saying. I looked up at him and shook my head.

"He doesn't want to say," Minhyuk sighed softly. 

The doctor nodded slowly. "Let me know when you can see my fingers." It took a while. I couldn't see them until they were a little off center. I moaned a little bit. Why couldn't I fucking talk? "Here?" I nodded again, tears starting to stream.

Wonho walked in, noticing how I was feeling. It was that potent. I wanted him to come in and talk to me. Ask me one of his stupid fucking questions. I wanted him to be in here with me. He turned and walked away, going to sit down. "Why are you crying, Bubba?" Minhyuk asked.

Because I fucked up. Pushed away someone who was really trying to be a decent person to me. I'm crying because now I'm hurt and while I want to speak now, while everything is so fresh on my mind, I can't even fucking talk. That's why I'm crying. That, and the fact that Jooheon fucking found me. Wouldn't you be fucking crying too? Except that I couldn't say all of that, so I just kept crying. My doctor started an eye exam, probably worried that I had no peripheral vision.

By the time Minhyuk and Wonho got me home, the sun was rising. "Why won't you let me fucking tell someone about him?" Minhyuk asked, leading me to my room.

Now Wonho had something to say. "He doesn't want help," he scoffed. I couldn't defend myself well. It would just come out so mumbled. "He's dead set on making himself as miserable as possible, just so he has something to complain about to make everyone else feel fucking sorry for him." Wonho was beyond pissed off.

"Hey, stop it." Minhyuk sighed. "This is what he's been struggling with for quite some time."

Wonho ended up at my door, watching Minhyuk lay me down. "A grown ass man can lay himself down, Minhyuk. He's not gonna fucking die walking down a hallway." I wanted to cry again. I ended up fucking up their relationship too? "He's not the only one who's struggled through something. Let me guess. His mom loved him to pieces and then she died when he hit high school? Your parents loved him like a son. He had love everywhere? But Jooheon was just saying all the right things one night and Kihyun has never been so bold before and he took him on? And then he fell like he's never fallen before and Jooheon took advantage of that?" Minhyuk stared at Wonho, speechless. "Somehow it's always the familial privileged ones. I had parents who were gone all the time, working nonstop. I was a jack-off in high school but I pulled my shit together. I don't think he ever knew what is was to have to get his shit together and now he's stuck in a cycle of staying a victim. And to be entirely fucking honest, he got what he fucking deserved." We all went quiet, letting that sink in.

Minhyuk shook his head. "He deserves whatever he's getting from you. He didn't deserve Jooheon finding him and beating the fuck outta him. And if you think he did, you can fucking leave."

Wonho sighed a bit. "I'm here because of you. I'm here because my friend's brother is hurt." Which I expected. He wasn't there for me, I ruined the chances of that.

"Yeah well I'm fine here, you're basically calling me stupid for doing what I do for him." Minhyuk went to grab the ice packs he'd brought in.

Wonho shrugged, definitely over it all. "You're acting like all of this is your fault."

And that's what touched a nerve. "All of this is my fucking fault, goddamn it!" Minhyuk ran his hands through his hair. "I was the drug addict. I didn't hand him a needle, but he saw me and he saw me seem so carefree. So when someone did give him one, he took it. He left my side and I OD'd. I know what it feels like to be where he is when he's still struggling with his problems. And I fucking knew Jooheon was abusing him and I didn't do a damn thing about it. So this is all my fault, I have to fix it. Please, let me." With that, Minhyuk turned his attention to me. I watched as Wonho turned around and walked out. And then Minhyuk broke down into tears.

I felt so fucking bad. "Come here," I mumbled, supposedly. Whatever I said, Minhyuk understood evidently.

"I'm sorry," he whimpered, sitting down next to me. I shook my head, rubbing circles into his back. "I'm so sorry, Ki."

I shook my head, grabbing my phone. I began to type and then let my phone speak. "I know I've probably made you feel extremely guilty, but this isn't your fault. Whether you knew or not, Jooheon was going to do what it was he wanted to do. You struggled with addiction for at least three years. That doesn't mean you taught me to use. Let yourself off the hook." I spent a lot of time angry at him, and I didn't think much about how it actually made him feel.

He sighed a bit. “I snapped at you and you left to give me time to cool off. And you ended up with him.”

I shrugged. “I also chose to go back on my fuckboy shit.” Which was true. I chose to go out, which was dangerous and against all better judgment anyway.

“That doesn’t mean you asked to get beat like this. Now take a nap, I’ll be back later.” I nodded softly, letting him leave. As soon as the door closed, I started typing what I needed to say to Wonho. Even though he’d blocked my number, I needed to tell him how sorry I was.


	8. longing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: suicidal ideations

Getting back to my apartment, I literally couldn't give any less of a shit about Kihyun. He crossed a line and it hurt. Speaking of the devil, my phone dinged. I thought I had him blocked? Oh, I guess maybe I unblocked him to find his location, since he hadn't come home...

Minhyuk had come downstairs at three in the morning, banging on my door. Before I could cuss him out, because who the fuck is banging on my door like that, he seemed to have a case of word vomit. "Kihyun hasn't come home yet and I know he can't be too fucked up because he comes home even if he is, and what if someone took him away? Not everyone's like you Wonho, not everyone is good. What if someone took him and did what they wanted to him? What if he's dead? It'll be my fault, it's always my fault." When we went out to find him, he was in the bar's alleyway, leaning against a dumpster. Probably because it was cool.

I sighed, thinking about the wasted time I spent taking care of the both of them. I picked up my phone to block Kihyun, but he tried FaceTiming me. I sighed, picking it up anyway. "What the fuck do you want?" I asked.

He couldn't speak, why was he even trying to. "My messages sent?" He slurred his speech.

"Yeah," I deadpanned. What did he want?

It was quiet for a second. "I know you're hurt." He was using the shortest words possible. Hurt was an understatement.

I shook my head. "I got your message, don't fucking sit there and act like your apology is gonna mean much of anything. You can't even fucking talk. I can barely understand you, you think that's gonna make an adequate apology?" Kihyun fell completely silent. I hung up, just wanting to be alone. But to be completely honest, that's not what I wanted. I wanted Kailah. My bed was the place where I could fall apart and miss her. No one to grieve to but myself. Telling her everything I wanted to tell her while she was alive and wondering what sentence I could've said to change her mind.

The fact that Minhyuk assumes all the blame for Kihyun's situation is a reminder of how I feel with Kai. I know that there's nothing I could really say to change her mind. I suppose it was always in the hand she was dealt. I can't take my own advice though.

"I miss you a little extra today, Kai," I sighed softly. "Okay, not a little. A lot. I always miss you. I want us together. I'm trying, but fuck..." I started thinking about Kihyun for whatever reason. We weren't all that different.

When I first moved here, meaningless hookups every night was just that: meaningless. Life had no meaning and it didn't take me long to figure that out. I thought having a body every night would help fill the loneliness but it only furthered my isolation. I never wanted to get close to them either, Kai was the only one for me. But I didn't think she'd want me to live like that. I think she would've wanted me to find another soulmate. We talked about it often, how many soulmates someone has? And they don't all have to be romantic, but we were.

I reached and picked up my phone, facing the message Kihyun sent.

Kihyun:   
I know I hurt you, and that's not even the best word. I probably devastated you, to take what you said to me and throw it back in your face? That wasn't right and that was completely shitty on my part. Disrespectful, inconsiderate. I just wanted to push you away, being so close to you was terrifying to me. How I am now, as far as my injuries? This is what happens when I get too close to anyone. I'm sorry that I did this to you. To us. You're not a bad person. I'm just a pussy. And it's unfair to you. I'll get out of your life, I know that even if I change my mind, you won't want anything to do with me. That's to be expected and I know I'm frustrating, you don't understand me. I don't even understand me. But please know I really am sorry. And don't leave Minhyuk's side. I haven't been his equal for years and he doesn't realize it. Or maybe he does, I don't know at this point. All I know is he's alone. I've isolated him and he needs you. Please don't go. Not from him.

I sighed softly before another text came in, saying he blocked me to respect my further wishes. I just wanted my baby. Nothing else mattered. And I was in danger. I called my absolute best friend, Hyungwon. He was about 15 minutes away. I needed someone there. "What's up, Won? You haven't called in a while, I started to get worried." He was intuitive to my mental state.

We met in a grief support group. "I want her, Wonnie." I heard his keys jingle and that started me crying. "You don't have to leave. Just stay on the phone with me."

Hyungwon wasn't having it. "I'll do whatever the fuck I want. Which is both." His door shut. "Last time you told me I could stay on the phone only, you knew no one was coming and what did you do?" I sighed a bit, trying to remember.

"Probably downed a bottle of sleeping pills with some vodka?" Hyungwon hummed in agreement, letting me know I got it right.

I bit my lip, looking at the clock. It was like five in the evening. "Listen to me. Don't you do anything, I swear to God, Wonho. You are too precious. Kai wouldn't want that." How the fuck would he know? He never met her. I just agreed, wanting to stay pinned to my mattress anyway. The tears weren't stopping. "As long as you aren't moving, I'm fine. I'm here to listen, I'm not going anywhere." I nodded, even though he couldn't hear me. We stayed like that until there was a knock on my door.


	9. mistakes

I wasn't satisfied with just texting him and then blocking him. The uncertainty of whether or not he understood just how sorry I was had been eating me alive. So, unbeknownst to Minhyuk, I got up out of bed. I had to keep quiet, making sure he didn't come follow me.

The front door was the first part of the obstacle course, and I passed with flying colors. The next part? The stairs. I was tired, I knew I shouldn't be doing this. But I needed him to know how bad I felt.

After what felt like hours, climbing the stairs and stopping for some breaks now and then, I made it to his door. I took some deep breaths, trying to return to a resting state as I knocked on the door.

Wonho opened the door with him phone glued to his ear. "You're not Hyungwon, why the fuck are you up here?" I hadn't gotten my wind back yet, so my words weren't coming. "Wonnie, my neighbor's here. I'll call you back." When he hung up his phone, he offered me a hand. "I'm calling Minhyuk."

I shook my head as I took his hand and walked inside. "No need," I sighed. "I just needed to you to know how sorry I was." Wonho rolled his eyes, closing the door behind us.

"You're just showing me how fucking stupid you are," he said, annoyance riding on his voice. He led me to his couch, helping me lay down. "I'm not in the mood for this shit." He was either truly annoyed, or sad and acting annoyed. Either way, he was upset.

I didn't know what to do now. I didn't know what I was expecting. "I'm sorry, I'll go back downstairs."

Wonho went to the kitchen, "Stay right there, dumbass." I usually didn't take kindly to that kind of talk, but I was exhausted with trying to speak. He came back with sprite and crackers. "You're not going anywhere until Minhyuk comes upstairs to get you." I rolled my eyes a bit.

"He doesn't need to concern himself with me," I shrugged.

He wasn't having it. "And yet, you give him every fucking reason to be concerned with and about you. Hell, you concern me and I don't even fucking like you." He grabbed a throw blanket from his recliner. "I'm fine, it's whatever. We're just not meant to be friends or anything, so let this be the last time we meet like this."

I couldn't fight it. I didn't have the energy to. He was honestly only saying it was okay to shut me up, and I knew that. But I blew it, so there was no reason for me to keep trying to apologize. "Who is Hyungwon?" I asked, curious to why he was coming over. Not that I cared that he was, I just wanted to do more than sit in an awkward silence of hatred.

"He's my Minhyuk," Wonho admitted, going to his recliner and turning on the TV. "I'm not okay, it's none of your business really." I nodded, closing my eyes, turning toward the back of the couch.

It was quiet for a little while before he spoke up again. "I miss Kailah every single fucking day. You don't think I wish I could've saved her?" I didn't have any words. "Kihyun, if I told you I think about killing myself four out of seven days a week, would you believe me?" I shook my head, listening to him. "You're not the only one who hurts. I don't know when you started to think you were, but seven billion people in this world hurt at one point or another. We're all gonna get hurt. Hurt people hurt people. But you went too fucking far. Before you said that, you didn't hear me tell you 'well I'm sorry your ex found you so goddamn irritating that he would've rather killed you than just leave you alone' or some shit like that." That one stung, but I deserved it.

There was a knock on the door, before it opened. "Oh, you popped the lock out." I'm assuming that was who he called Hyungwon. "I didn't know your neighbor was still here. This is Minhyuk?" He asked.

He talked about us. He told Hyungwon, he knew who we were. "Kihyun," I spoke softly.

I watched as his entire demeanor changed. "Won, have you eaten tonight?" Wonho shook his head. "I'm guessing you barely have food in there."

Wonho shook his head, scrolling through the channels. "I have plenty." He was pissed off and hurt and I caused it. 

"I know you do. I was just hoping you didn't do some stupid shit like skip eating and that you only had a little bit. I'm making you some bacon and eggs." Hyungwon headed to the kitchen.

Wonho settled on a movie that was starting. "Ew, breakfast for dinner is gross."

Hyungwon snapped in a seriously playful way. "Your stupid ass skipped dinner and it's almost time for breakfast again, you don't get to choose anymore." Wonho just drew his attention back to the television.

Once the breakfast for dinner was done, Hyungwon came back into the living room. "Thanks," Wonho said, taking the plate from him.

"Give me a number," Hyungwon replied, sitting on the edge of the recliner.

Wonho shrugged softly. "Seven," he took a bite of his food afterwards. "But let me eat, and then we'll talk in my room." Hyungwon nodded, leaning back slightly, letting Wonho lay his head on his chest.

I turned my back on them again, taking a deep breath. I didn't want to leave though, I didn't feel well enough to make my way back downstairs yet. "Let's go," Hyungwon mumbled, taking Wonho away to his room.

It wasn't long before I heard crying. Loud, heartbreaking crying. It reminded me of the day Minhyuk and his dad finally saw me break. The way I felt that night... It was both a release and a struggle. I was relieved that Minhyuk finally knew, but beyond hurt that he had a feeling and he did nothing. 

After he cried for what seemed like hours, I heard Wonho's cries turn into whimpers, into groans. I guess we really aren't that different. Sex takes our minds away from what hurts. But that was my cue to bounce. I texted Minhyuk to come upstairs to get me. The door was still unlocked.

When he came upstairs, the noises between them both had gotten louder and more distracting. "What are you doing up here?" Minhyuk asked. 

I shook my head, taking his hand as he helped me get up and head to the door. "Making myself look like a bigger goddamn fool than I already am."


	10. fool

"Kihyun what the fuck is going on with you?" Minhyuk asked as we got back to our apartment.

I shook my head. "I want to spill all my feelings," I said. "All of them. And I want you to hear me. I think I'm actually fucking crazy."

Minhyuk furrowed his eyebrows, sitting down to the kitchen table, offering me a seat. "Go ahead," he said.

I took a deep breath. I wanted my entire web of thoughts out on the table. Nothing made sense, and I was tired of holding it in. "I want to drink. I want to drink, I want to smoke, I want to shoot up. I want to be fucked liked there's no fucking tomorrow. I'm used to all of this shit. And he made me want it all. When he give me my first joint, I realized what you loved about it. And then when he shot me up for the first time, I saw what enamored you about all of the drugs. And I finally knew what you'd seen that I had missed. He got me on this shit and I can't get off of it yet."

Minhyuk nodded. "That's not necessarily crazy," he sighed. "You never know your last is going to be your last. You're addicted, Kihyun. You're dependent on all of the drugs. The alcohol, the weed, the shots, the pills. Your brain is wired to need them." I nodded, that much made sense to me.

"I get that," I sighed. "I don't get why I miss him. Why I want him. Why I feel like I need him. While I was fucking terrified during every moment with him the other day, he touched me and I felt electricity. Not the electrocution I expected, but the sparks. He touched me and I felt like I needed more of it. Even when he hit me, I wanted him."

Once I said that, I'm sure we both had the same idea. "Do you want to fucking die?" Minhyuk asked. Yes, was the short answer. Me keeping quiet was answer enough for him. "Why?" He asked again.

I bit my lip, tears coming to my eyes. "I don't remember what it's like to not hurt." Which was true. From the moment I knew my father wanted nothing to do with me because he was the deacon of a church who had an affair, I'd never been hurt free. "My father cheated on his wife and never took responsibility for it, because his bible-thumping job came before that. I was an abomination worse than the fucking adulterous sin he committed." Man, I was fucked up.

"Fuck him," Minhyuk said, tears springing to his eyes. "God will get him later. He thinks his love child is what'll get him in trouble? He'll burn in Hell for leaving his child like this." I felt bad, getting Minhyuk this riled up again. "The one good thing he did was give me my brother. That's the only thing I have to say for him. I know your father broke your heart way before any man could. I know you were probably looking for someone to fill his space. But that's not Jooheon and that's not where you belong, Bubba."

I shrugged a bit, wiping mine away. "I don't feel like that. I feel like, if anything, that's the only place I belong. And not because of love. I feel like I honestly deserve to hurt like this. I don't know what I did to deserve it, but all I know is something I did led me to this." I looked down at my hands, noticing how hard I was clenching them.

Minhyuk bit his lip a bit. "If I weren't here to stop you from doing anything, what would you do?"

So much... I wanted every out I could find. "I wanna boot so much, Minhyuk. I don't know if it's the withdrawal or if it's the depression, but if I could, I would. I'd probably die for one hit too many. Literally." Drugs wasn't the only thing I wanted. "I'd be with Jooheon, just because I know one day he's gonna hit me too hard, knock me out cold." Minhyuk nodded, looking at his phone for a second.

I didn't know what he was doing? But I didn't think I wanted to know. "There are two hospitals here, Kihyun. One's in Methodist and the other is in Durham." Hospitals inside hospitals? What was he... fuck! This isn't what I wanted from this. "I asked you what you'd do because I have a job offer. If I get it, I cannot take care of you. Wonho isn't too fond of you, I'm not gonna ask him to watch you. And you're getting to a point I can't pull you back from. I need you to get help." I got up from the table, watching Minhyuk throw his head in his hands. "Kihyun, when have I begged you for anything in my life? Ever? I'm begging you, please let me take you? I need you safe and if you aren't, I can't do my best to provide for the both of us."

All I heard was that I was a burden to him. He couldn't have a social life without me, he couldn't work because of me and he was working because I wasn't. "This isn't what I wanted to talk about. I'm fine." I sighed, knowing how much I was in denial.

"Being fine includes knowing you'll be safe when someone isn't there to watch your every move." The more he spoke, the sicker I felt. There was a knock on the door. "I left it cracked, come in." And in walked Wonho.

I scoffed, quickly going from compliant to hostile. "Is this a goddamn intervention?" I asked, looking between the two of them. It was and I knew it was. That was the breaking point for me. As I walked toward my room, I heard Wonho follow me. "Go away, I don't need this shit."

He didn't say anything, he just stood there. I threw on a jacket and some better pants. When I turned the walk out, he shut the door. "You just don't care, do you? Don't care about anyone other than yourself?" I definitely didn't need his condescending attitude.

"Get out of my fucking way," I snapped, reaching for the handle.

Wonho stood in front of it, folding his arms. "You have got to be fucking kidding me, Kihyun."

I chuckled, preparing to cross a line I swore I was going to stay away from. "And you wonder why Kai never told you anything." This time, it didn't deter him.

"Shut up for a second." Silence filled the room quickly before we heard Minhyuk crying. These walls were thin, but I couldn't hear many things happening in the dining room. "If that doesn't break your heart, knowing the person that loves you the absolute most in this world is crying because you are on this dangerous fucking ledge and he can't pull you back? If it doesn't hurt you that you're causing him anxiety like this, you need to get help."

I reached up and slapped him so hard his head hit the door. "I know I'm fucked up! I know I'm so fucked up that I'm torturing that man in there. I know I'm so goddamn fucked up that I don't feel like there's any other way to help him than to let his worst fear happen, hoping he'll grow stronger from it. But don't fucking sit there and talk down to me like that! You're not fucking helping me." Wonho rolled his eyes before getting equally as loud with me.

"When my mother screamed at me like this, it was because she loved me!" That unlocked a new realization. "I'm not talking out of my ass, I've lived this! No, I've never been addicted to drugs, but I have been where you are. Deeper than rock bottom. And she didn't scream at me to guilt me. She screamed at me because she loved me. Minhyuk won't raise his voice a decibel toward you, scared it'll push you off the ledge. But I have to scream at you like this because you're stubborn." I gave up trying to leave the room and sat on my bed. "You have love around you. If Kai was alive, I would be Minhyuk right now, begging her to get help. She hid everything from me and I know now that that was her way of accepting everything and sealing her fate. You're so vocal about everything. You're scared. She wasn't. You don't want to die, but you know you will if you keep doing the shit you're doing. Kihyun, you're sick and you need help that your loved ones can't give you."

I looked down at my hands. "What drove you to the edge?" I asked.

Wonho thought for a bit. "When I was younger, people hurt me. In any way. And I also thought I just deserved to be hurt. Like I was put here for everyone to take their frustrations out on me. My dad beat the fuck out of us and left. His family accused us of lying on him when we told them just how badly he abused us. He got into a car wreck and they expected us to shower then with condolences and love for him. When we had members of his family literally hunt us down to hurt us, my mom dropped everything and moved to America. Poor, had two kids, raising them in a less than ideal neighborhood because we were undocumented and struggling." He must've seen the concern in my eyes when he said that. "We're okay now but she busted her ass for us. And what was I doing? Causing her more concern than she could handle. She yelled at me like this after finding out just how delinquent I was. Getting into petty trouble with this one girl, smoking weed and drinking, I wrecked my ex's dad's car one intoxicated night. She screamed at me like that because she loved me. And when she had a heart attack because of all the shit I was doing, that's when I tried to take my life." I don't know when I started crying for him, but this is when I realized it.

"I-I don't know what to say." That was all I could come up with.

Wonho shrugged, continuing on with his story. "Kihyun, when she admitted me, I hated her. I hated her so much. I thought she was giving up on me. In reality, she was fighting for me harder than she ever fought before. Getting through check in, taken to a room with just a bed, some cubbies and a bathroom was what I thought was the worst thing ever. I begged my mom not to do this to me. And she asked me, 'Hoseok, if I take you home, are you going to safe? Are you going to stop being so careless with your life, your body? The body I made from scratch, is it going to remain intact? Are you going to stop seeing her and start surrounding yourself with better people? Are you going to live or are you going to keep killing yourself slowly?' I couldn't lie to her then even if I wanted to. I told her no. I wouldn't be safe. I would keep being careless. My body wouldn't remain intact. I would keep seeing that girl and stay with the friends I knew. I would keep dying. And she told me she couldn't do anything about that. But they could. I stayed there for three weeks when my mother admitted me. And then another two weeks when I turned 18 and could admit myself without her having to be notified. Then another two weeks after Kai died and I just moved. I moved so no one could stop me if I tried something. And that scared me enough that I felt the need to go again."

I looked at him, studying him. He smiled a lot. He laughed. He enjoyed his friends. He enjoyed sex and didn't use it to cope. He helped others. "What can I expect if I let Minhyuk take me?" I asked, highly considering it now. I wanted what Wonho had. I wanted peace.

He went to my closet, grabbed an empty backpack and started packing. A few shirts and a couple pairs of pants without belts or drawstrings. Your tooth brush and toothpaste. Books and journals that are legitimately bound, no wire binding. Crosswords if you like them. Your ID and list of medicines. That’s it.” I nodded softly, looking at how little was really in there.

“What does a day look like in there?” Even though I hadn’t said yes, he was preparing just in case I did. 

He sat down next to me, having me look him in the eye. “You’ll wake up around 7:00am, whenever the techs get to your room for morning checks. Let you know you have to get up for breakfast soon. You’ll get ready and then wait to be taken to the cafeteria. After you eat, you go to Group. Reminded of the rules and then discuss your goal for the day. You’ll then meet with your personal psychiatrist. After some free time, you meet with your social workers. Lunch, then taking your vital signs. Recreational therapy, maybe an education group. You’ll have visitation hour where Minhyuk will be the first one in and the last one to go. You’ll eat dinner after that, then free time and then a closing group for the day. Night medicines, free time, lights out. That’s how it was for me. You get into routines there. It’s very hard to break them when you get out honestly.” Wonho chuckled lightly. “My bed time used to be 10:00, on the dot, no exceptions.” I laughed a little bit with him.

“Can I choose to leave?” I asked softly.

Wonho nodded. “After 72 hours, they’ll let you know what they suggest for you. But don’t fake how you feel just to get out earlier. They can only suggest that you stay after three days, they can’t make you stay.” I guess he noticed my mind wandering. “Stop overthinking. We’re not asking you to go tonight or tomorrow. We just want you to get the help you deserve. Because no, Kihyun, you don’t deserve to be addicted to drugs, you don’t deserve to be hurt by Jooheon, you don’t deserve to die. And you don’t want any of it. Changing the way you think is hard when all your surroundings are the same and remind you of the same shit. It’s not as bad as you’re thinking.”

I nodded, sighing deeply. “I know you hate me-“

Wonho cut me off with a kiss to the cheek. “Didn’t I just tell you that I screamed like that at you because I loved you?” I nodded, glancing down a bit.

“Well, whether you love me or not, can you stay with me tonight? I don’t want to be alone.” Wonho nodded, putting my bag down on the floor.

He stood up real quick. “Let me go tell Hyungwon what I’m doing and grab my phone. I’ll be right back. Leave that door open.” I nodded, getting under the covers.

“Bear!” I called, wanting to talk to him. He walked in my room, clearly upset. His eyes, nose, and face were reddened with anguish, anxiety, and agony. “Come here,” I mumbled, patting my bed. 

Minhyuk climbed in bed, curling up to me. “Kihyun, don’t leave me. I didn’t have you and I fucked up majorly. I have no idea what I’d do without you, and I don’t have any intentions on finding out. Please, don’t leave me by choice.” I nodded, holding him close while he cried. 

We talked until Wonho came back to take his place. When Wonho wrapped his arms around my waist, I felt safe. I felt at peace. I wanted that more than any drug in the world. Peace.


	11. letter

I woke up in Kihyun’s bed alone. His side was made up perfectly, a letter resting on his pillow. “What the fuck?” I mumbled, looking at it. It was typed up, I’m assuming so that he didn’t have to hand write two notes for me and Minhyuk. 

“So, I’ve decided to go to the hospital. I know I won’t really be able to contact you guys until later, but I’m okay. I took a bus to get there. I think, in order for this to work, you guys shouldn’t come see me during visitation hours. I’ll see you guys soon enough. I love you.”

I sighed a bit, getting up to see if Minhyuk had woken up and read his letter. “He’s gone...” Minhyuk sighed. “I should feel relieved. So why don’t I? I mean, do they even admit as early as 5 in the morning?” He was cleaning up, an anxious tic of his. 

“Yes they do. He went,” I said, helping him clean up. “He’s safe.” I don’t know what I said that pissed him off, but he threw his towel down, going to Kihyun’s room. I followed him, not knowing what he was doing.

I furrowed my eyebrows, watching him open Kihyun’s lap. “Last time I sat on my hands with my suspicions, he was getting abused to damn near death. I’m not gonna sit around this time.” I sat down on the edge of Kihyun’s bed.

“What are you looking for?” I asked.

Minhyuk shrugged, “Anything.” We sat in silence for a bit, waiting for his laptop to connect. After a few minutes, Minhyuk yelled out. “Fuck!” He screamed.

I jumped up, “What?” I looked over his shoulder, reading the webpage. “Holy shit...”

What were we looking at? Texts between Jooheon and Kihyun.

Kihyun: hey...  
Jooheon: so you wised up and learned to stop having me chase after you? how’s that concussion?  
Kihyun: take me. take me anywhere.  
Jooheon: I need to know where you want to go.  
Kihyun: away.  
Jooheon: how long?  
Kihyun: maybe a week? a little less. time’s not a concept for me anymore.  
Jooheon: sticks, popsicles, lemonade, bubble gum, cola   
Kihyun: sticks. I need to relax. maybe lemonade.  
Jooheon: meet me in that one abandoned school parking lot.

“Oh my fucking God,” Minhyuk jumped up, grabbing his keys. I ran behind him. “When you know, you fucking know!”

Minhyuk was terrified, I could tell by his speed when he was driving. “Min, pull over.” I said softly, trying to take over for him. He wouldn’t listen, despite almost hyperventilating behind the wheel. “You can’t get to him if we’re dead.” 

He took a second to relax and pulled over. “What. What do you want when I’m trying to get to him?” I got out of the car, walking around to the driver’s side door.

“Get out. Get in the back.” Before he spoke to debate it with me, I snapped. “Get in the fucking back, you’re not going to kill me while driving like a bat out of hell, looking for him!” Minhyuk groaned, climbing in the back seat as I took over for him.

The ride was ominous now that I took over. I wasn’t going 90 in a 30 and creating a thriller vibe. “It’s a few blocks from here now. The school they’re talking about.”

I made the turn into the desolate parking lot. There was only one car there. “Oh God, Kihyun... what are you doing?” I mumbled. This is where I picked up speed, quickly getting to face the car head on. I turned the high beams, trying to get a look inside. I saw Jooheon, he was sleeping behind the wheel. Where was Kihyun?

Minhyuk and I jumped out, banging on the windows. Minhyuk took on Jooheon and I looked in the backseat. “Open the door you piece of shit!” Minhyuk screamed, waking Jooheon up.

“What the fuck?” He groaned, getting out. “What do you want?” I kept an ear out for their conversation. Minhyuk was screaming him for luring Kihyun to him. “He messaged me, he looked for me. Shut the fuck up when you know nothing about it.” 

I opened the back door and immediately screamed. Kihyun’s top half quickly dropped out of the back seat. He was out cold. “When did he stop breathing?” I yelled, feeling for his pulse. Nothing. 

Jooheon quickly turned around. “He stopped breathing? I just thought he fell asleep after we fucked.” He was so nonchalant about it.

I pulled him out of the back seat, an empty syringe coming with him. “Oh my God!” Minhyuk cried, coming to hold onto him. As soon as we got Kihyun out, Jooheon slammed his car door and sped away, hitting my leg a bit on the way out. “Wonho, fucking call someone!” Minhyuk sat there, desperately trying to wake him.

Our sun was starting to rise, but I wasn’t sure that Kihyun’s would. “911, do you need police, fire or medical?” Last time I heard that, Kai died on me. 

“Uhm, m-medical.” That’s when I started to cry. “We have someone who overdosed and he was dropped off at the abandoned high school off of Milton Avenue. Twenty-six year old male.” God, Kihyun. What are you doing? “I’m here with his brother, we’re trying to wake him up, but I felt no pulse. There was a syringe with him, I’m guessing heroin.”

I waited to hear the sirens engage. “Describe how he looks to me.” The operator said, ready for notes.

I glanced over at Minhyuk. “Min, you gotta let me see him.” I walked over, kneeling down to observe him. “He’s damn near white. I think he stopped breathing a while ago. His lips are kinda grey. His pupils?” I turned on my flashlight, finally noticing that his eyes weren’t completely closed. He was fucking dead. He had to be. “Uh,” I opened one and looked at it. “Pinpoint pupils.” There came the sirens. “They’re almost here, what ca-“ Kihyun started shaking in Minhyuk’s arms. “Okay, he’s starting to spasm.”

The operator sighed softly “You’re on concrete, one of you has to lay his head on your thigh so he doesn’t hit it. Turn him on his side. It might be just spasms or a seizure.” Minhyuk wasn’t any good, barley paying attention to anything else.

I took Kihyun’s head into my lap, turning him like I was told to. “Call your dad,” I mumbled. “I’ve got this, call him.”

Kihyun shook for about 45 seconds. A few moments later, the ambulance arrived. They couldn’t even waste time to evaluate him here in the parking lot. They left with Kihyun en route to the hospital almost as soon as they came. “Dad?” Minhyuk asked, finally connecting with him.

“What’s wrong, kiddo?” He asked, picking up on his voice.

Minhyuk sniffled, wiping his tears. “When I overdosed, what went through your head?” I sat next to him, holding his hand. 

His dad went quiet for a second. “I was scared shitless. I felt like I failed in being your safe haven. I felt like I wasn’t paying attention to you and it led you to that point. What’s going on?”

He couldn’t speak. He just broke down into tears again. I took the phone. “Hi, my name is Wonho. I’m a friend of Minhyuk’s. Kihyun’s struggling to get clean and he relapsed today and he overdosed. I told Minhyuk to call you, I could tell he didn’t know what to do and I had no words for him.” His dad sighed, going quiet again.

“Is Kihyun okay? He’s like my son too, is he okay?” I could hear him start to cry himself.

I wish I had a definitive answer for him. “Kihyun is... he’s on the way to the hospital. Jooheon’s here for some reason, and Kihyun got into contact with him. I’m not sure how much you know, sir. But Kihyun went out the other day, he was going to hook up with one guy, but he quickly realized that he was Jooheon’s coworker. He beat him really badly. Last night, we talked to him about maybe going for a psych evaluation and maybe a stay. And instead, he called on Jooheon for drugs. That’s how I understand it.”

Minhyuk got up, heading to the car. “My God... You’re gonna get him admitted now, right? He’s in no mental state to decide to avoid it anymore. I mean, if he lives.” That sat heavy on my heart. Pretty much everyone accepted that Kihyun was dying, if he wasn’t dead already.

“Most definitely,” I said, getting in the car myself. “It’s not a conversation anymore. He’s trying his hardest to die.” I handed the phone back to Minhyuk.

He pulled himself together to talk for a second. “I’m not religious. Not a lot. Things I don’t agree with, I don’t associate myself with it. But... I need to pray.” Minhyuk took a deep breath, before he lost it again. “So Daddy, can you teach me how to pray again? Please, pray with me? I can’t handle this on my own, I can’t help him. You can’t fix it either. And I don’t know what else to do.”

His dad shushed him softly. “Okay, son. We’ll pray, most definitely. I can help you pray.” Soon after that, they started praying. I’d been praying before we even left the apartments and I’d be praying well after we reached the hospital.


	12. guilt

I was the one who picked their father up from the airport. Minhyuk had refused to leave the hospital, watching Kihyun's every breath. "How is he doing?" Mr. Lee asked, helping me put his luggage away.

I sighed a bit. "No change, he's still in a coma. Minhyuk would be here but..."

Mr. Lee nodded as I opened his door for him. "He loves that kid to death and he feels like Kihyun's gonna die if he leaves?" I nodded. "He's a fragile one," he said as he shut the door.

I got in on the driver's side. "He told me about his mom. What exactly happened?" I asked. "Oh, if you don't mind my asking? I don't mean to pry." Mr. Lee assured me I wasn't.

"One night, we woke up to a gunshot. And Minhyuk, being young, needed to go find out for himself. He didn't realize that he should've stayed away or should've hidden from it. He ended up seeing her first. If I could've gotten out of my room and downstairs a few moments before him, I could've stopped him from seeing her." I nodded, offering my condolences for him.

The airport was on the opposite end of town from the hospital, so we had time to kill. Or... time to have a conversation. "My girlfriend took her life as well. I understand it, the pain of being the surviving loved ones. We saw patterns with Kihyun and we told him a few nights ago about a psych evaluation. He violently isolates himself from us. How we met, it was a bar hookup. And he didn't realize I lived upstairs. But his entire philosophy since being here is one night only. And I feel like I also pushed him to this point. He was so used to seeing people once and then never again." 

Kihyun didn't know how bad I actually felt. The second time we had sex was every bit as good as the first time. But I saw him start to decline more after that. I let myself be hurt by what he had to say with Kai because I knew he really didn't want that. A second night with me. And I wanted him to be at peace, knowing there wouldn't be a third. "Why do you feel like that's on you, kiddo?" Mr. Lee asked, confused on my thought process.

"Well, he broke his entire mantra and his new identity," I started, getting on the interstate. "He created a new persona when he left New Jersey. A fuckboy, a promiscuous guy. Free spirited, can't tie him down and make him a husband. He never wanted to commit to anything. A second time with me created commitment to him. And he's been scared ever since. He doesn't want to fall in love and end up with another Jooheon." None of that Kihyun ever needed to say to me. I could read him like a book.

Mr. Lee nodded. "Minhyuk took him across the country without a second thought. He was determined to be a better brother to him, after his overdose. I hadn't even known they had a falling out until Kihyun showed up at my house while I was on the way to the hospital. Minhyuk was on the couch and I thought he was sleeping. And then I heard him choke, then he fell and he was seizing. I had absolutely no idea he was even into any type of drugs, especially nothing that could cause such an overdose."

I nodded. "What was his poison?" Minhyuk hadn't told me much about his own drug addiction yet.

"Cocaine, apparently." His sadness permeated the air. "God, I was watching my boy deteriorate and I didn't even notice it. I thought his weight loss was part of an eating disorder. Which explains why he got so angry when I asked." I felt sad for him honestly. "Kihyun used to be so hidden about it, when he first started. He judged Minhyuk so hard and I think he felt shame about it when he got addicted." That all made sense to me.

I now had a burning question. "He's been more vocal about his struggles. Not playing it safe in hiding everything. He hides it when he goes out to party, he wants his hookups to believe he's only drunk. And he's generally high off his ass. I didn't know he was intoxicated like that. He passed out on me. Ever since then, I've watched all of his pleas for help. He doesn't hide any of this anymore. And I don't know if he wants our help or if he wants us to know he's about to die." I caught Mr. Lee smiling softly. "What?" I asked.

"I think you love one of my sons," Mr. Lee smiled. "And it's not Minhyuk."

I went quiet, taking the exit toward the hospital. "Is it that obvious?" I didn't want to love him like that, but it was hard not to. 

I was drawn to him. “I have this urge to fix him. I know that’s not always possible. But I feel like he needs to know how much love could be out there waiting for him.”

Mr Lee nodded, sighing softly. “When you don’t love yourself, it’s much harder to accept that there’s love out there for you.” We were getting closer to the hospital. “Kihyun has a lot of guilt in his heart. He’s guilty that his mother was a single mother, had a child with a man who walked away. Guilty that he ‘took me over’, he doesn’t feel like he deserves to call me Dad. Guilty that he was a hypocrite toward Minhyuk for being an addict, and now he’s one. Guilty that he let Jooheon in, let him get away with hurting him so much. I’m sure he’s guilty for things he hurt you about. He’s even guilty for being in the way of Jooheon and Changkyun. He tells me these things and makes me swear not to tell Minhyuk. He’s just a person riddled with the guilt that he wished others felt. He wants to be guilt free and everyone else to claim responsibility for theirs. He wants his father to feel guilty that he never raised him. He wants Jooheon to feel guilty about getting him addicted and abusing him. He wants Changkyun to feel guilty for taking Jooheon from him. He wants to forgive himself for staying.” I understood Kihyun a lot more now.

“These people, they need to feel guilty after karma bites them in the ass. If his father had another child that turned out to be a piece of shit, he would need to see that Kihyun made it, and feel guilty that he didn’t do his job.” We found a parking spot right on the door. “Jooheon needs to lose his job, and see Kihyun rise with his photography, and feel guilty that he dimmed his light. Changkyun needs to become the main relationship and watch Jooheon start to treat him the way he treated Kihyun, but Kihyun has the healthiest relationship he could have and feel guilty about it. And he’s had Minhyuk feel guilty enough and I know he feels bad about that too.”

Mr. Lee nodded. “I know. I know he needs to show that he’s better. But he wants them to feel guilty about hurting him and he wants to show them how they pushed him to this point. I got in contact with his father, not sure if he’s really going to show up. We look for the love of our parents in our love lives. Kihyun never had his father around and he’s gay. He’s never had a man in his life constantly to show him how he should be treated.”

We stopped talking as we made our way to the ICU, being respectful of other patients. Minhyuk was still sitting where I left him, staring between the monitor and Kihyun, crying softly. “Bubba, you have to wake up. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I pushed you, I’m sorry I failed you. I feel like there’s a magic fucking word I need to say that’ll open your eyes and wake you up.” He wiped his eyes, laying his head down next to Kihyun’s hand.

Mr. Lee walked in quietly, walking up behind him. “Hi, Bear,” he smiled, leaning down and kissing his forehead. “Let’s go get you something to eat huh?”

He turned around, throwing his arms around his dad. “Daddy!” He cried. “It’s been three days, I don’t... I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t do anything. That’s my Bubba and I can’t help him!” He bawled his eyes out, working himself into gagging.

“Shh,” he mumbled. “It’s okay, kiddo. God’s got him. Do you want to pray with me?” Minhyuk nodded, wiping his eyes. I sat down next to the door and began praying too.


	13. acceptance

“Day 13, son...” Mr. Lee sighed. “You are so exhausted and starving. Can you please eat an apple for me?”

When Mr. Lee put his hand on Minhyuk’s shoulder, he violently pulled away. “I’m fine!” He snapped. “But if that siddity bitch walks in here and tells me one more fucking time, with that goddamn fake ass tone that there’s no change, I won’t be.” I turned and of course, speak of the devil, here she came.

“Well,” she started. “Looks like there’s still no change, I’ll check back in during midday.” And just like that, she left.

That’s when Minhyuk jumped up, leaving the room for the first time in two weeks. He didn’t follow the nurse though. I furrowed my eyebrows, getting concerned. “Uhm, Mr. Lee, I’m going to go see where Minhyuk’s going okay? Text me if there’s any change.”

He thanked me as I left the room. I followed the path Minhyuk took. He seemed to go toward the elevators. I got to the elevators and took myself down to the garage level, maybe he needed some fresh air. 

As I got to the garage, I looked around for Minhyuk, seeing if he somehow got into my truck. Nope, not there. I called his name, no response. I prayed he was on this level because I couldn’t go looking for him everywhere. I walked toward the stairs, maybe he sat down there. I walked by to see a man sitting on the stairs, smoking what looked like a joint. Smart, so no doctors could lecture him on smoking, smoking marijuana at that. I opened the door to the stairs and the man looked up at me. “Shit,” Minhyuk sighed, looking back down quickly.

“What the fuck are you doing?” I snapped. He’d been straight edge since his overdose, sophomore year of high school. That made him 16-years-old at the time, he’s 26 now. “Did you really just break your sobriety of ten years?”

He rolled his eyes at me. “It’s not that big of a deal, I’m fine.” I glared at him.

“You broke ten years of being clean, Minhyuk.” He shrugged me off. “That’s not a big deal to you?”

He got loud with me, standing up. “Okay, people break 20, 30, 40 years all the fucking time, why is ten such a big fucking deal?” This is what seeing Kihyun struggling did to him.

I began to feel guilty myself, I knew him being in that room for 13 days straight wasn’t healthy. “When did you find time to come smoke?” I asked.

“Why?” Minhyuk asked. “So you can narc on me to my dad? I’m 26 fucking years old, he can’t do shit about the fact that I smoke weed.” I shook my head. Telling his dad wasn’t on my mind.

I shivered a bit, feeling the wind bite at me through my jacket. “Is your jacket lined?” I asked, looking at how warm he seemed. He nodded. “Can we switch? It’s really cold to me.”

He took his jacket off, handing it to me. I took mine off and handed it to him. “Do you want a hit?” He asked. I took the joint from him, obliging him with a decent drag. “I came out here at night, after you were asleep.” I nodded, taking in another hit. Minhyuk sighed softly, slowly feeling the disappointment in himself come about. “He’s not going to wake up. I know it.”

I shook my head. “You don’t know it,” I said. “You’re preparing for it, but you don’t know it.” Minhyuk took the joint back, finishing it off.

“His pressure drops more and more every day. It’s rarely ever going u-“ He was cut off my by phone ringing.

I answered it, “Hello?” I bit my lip hoping for decent news.

“If you’re with Minhyuk, you both need to come back now. And if he’s listening, take me off speaker.” I waved Minhyuk to lead the way back to the elevators. “Okay, Kihyun just had another seizure. When they checked him out after that, they found out that he has an aneurysm in his femoral artery. Which means he took his heroin through the groin. They’re going to fix it before it bursts.” 

I nodded, wanting to puke. “Have they taken him yet?” They had, so I had time to explain to Minhyuk what happened. “Okay, thank you.” When I hung up, Minhyuk furrowed his eyebrows.

“Did he wake up?” He asked. I shook my head. “So what was so important to he had to call you?”

The elevator doors opened up for us. “So, he needs surgery, Min.” He nodded, taking a deep breath. “He has an aneurysm in his femoral artery.” I ran my fingers through my hair.

Minhyuk looked at me. “He took hits to the groin?” I nodded a bit.

“And he had another seizure,” Minhyuk looked like he was about to pass out. I held his hand, trying to calm him down.

When we made our way back to the room, it was empty except for the chairs we lived in. “Did you have a chance to eat?” Mr. Lee asked. Minhyuk shook his head, returning to his depressed state. “Were you out smoking?” He asked, sniffing the air.

I locked eyes with Minhyuk, seeing the fear in his eyes. Before he could speak, I shook my head. “He just wanted a place to cry to himself. I was the one smoking.” Minhyuk’s eyes widened, mouthing to me. Asking me why I was lying for him. “I asked to borrow his jacket, so it smells like weed now, I’m sorry.”

“You know his history, you know what we’re sitting here for right now.” Mr. Lee needed to get his anxious energy out somehow. I knew he’d be angry with Minhyuk, I couldn’t let him snap at his son. Not right now. “Wonho, why would you put him in that compromising situation?” He asked, slowly calming down.

I looked down at the ground, losing eye contact with him. “I’m really sorry, sir. It won’t happen again. I sometimes smoke for my anxiety, and I really needed it right then.” He nodded, letting it die down.

Mr. Lee stayed with us until Kihyun came out of surgery, then he headed to his hotel. “Why did you lie for me?” Minhyuk asked.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I shrugged. 

He rolled his eyes. “Don’t bullshit me,” he snapped. “Why did you tell my dad that you’re the one who was smoking?”

I chuckled softly. “I was smoking, remember? I borrowed your jacket and smoked, now it smells like weed.” He furrowed his eyebrows. “He was going to smell the weed when we came in, Min. He’s going through this with us. He’s scared too. He just puts up a front so that you don’t fall apart. He was going to smell the weed, he was going to get mad. You didn’t need it directed at you. So, once again, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I didn’t lie.” Minhyuk nodded, letting it die down with silent thanks.

I made Minhyuk go to sleep tonight, offering him some melatonin. He was running himself ragged to the point of dismantling his sobriety and everything he’s stood for for over ten years. I could take the night shift for once. Shortly after Minhyuk laid his head down to rest, I looked up at Kihyun. His eyes were opening slightly. I moved my chair closer to the head of the bed. “Hey,” I whispered softly, tapping his hand. He flipped it over slightly, wanting me to hold it. I hit the nurses button by his bed so that someone could be here to take his tube out when he was ready to breathe by himself. “A nurse is coming in to take your tubes out.”

A tear rolled down Kihyun’s face as he nodded softly. Almost as soon as the nurse came in, he started choking, which meant it was time to extubate him. She came in, ready to cheer. I shushed her, pointing to Minhyuk sleeping on the cot in the corner. He didn’t need to wake up tonight. “I’m going to do a small neuro exam when I take the tube out, okay?” Kihyun nodded. “I want you to cough in three... two... one.” He coughed, helping push the tube out. 

She asked him his name, to count backwards from 100 by 8 and a few more questions. Everything was intact. After she left, Kihyun started to talk to me. “I could hear everything,” he mumbled softly. “He smoked weed?” I nodded a bit. “Dumbass... why would he throw away ten years over me?”

I knew he wasn’t in a place to judge him. “What happened that night?” I asked softly.

Kihyun bit his lip. “I didn’t have money. So I fucked him for a hit.” He seemed uneasy. 

“Once or twice?” I looked at his arm. The one without the IV was the one with shot veins, meaning that was his shooting up arm. “Because, there were needle points on that arm. But you had a femoral artery aneurysm which meant you took a groin hit too.”

He looked down. “I watched him use my arm. I don’t know when he used my groin. He didn’t do it when we fucked.” I nodded, rubbing my thumb across his hand. “God, did I really let him do this to me?” I nodded softly. “I should’ve died, Wonho. You know it, I know it... hell even Minhyuk knows it.” I shook my head.

“You’re getting help, Kihyun.” I grabbed a tissue, letting him dry his eyes. “After you recover enough? You’re going to be admitted for an evaluation.”

He groaned a bit, “Can’t I just go to a meeting?” He asked.

“How well did meetings pan out for you? You’re here for an overdose, you had sex for drugs, you know you were trying to kill yourself.” Kihyun looked down, twisting the sheets. “You have to get better, Kihyun. There is simply no choice here anymore. And I don’t know if you need me to say this or if it’ll scare you away, but I love you. I do.” He looked up at me, tears springing to his eyes. “Hyungwon and I fuck around sometimes, but that’s when one of us is sad. I know that sleeping with me twice scared you off and it sent you spiraling. But you’re the first person I slept with more than once, that wasn’t a friend, since Kailah. I don’t know when the right time to say that would have been? But you needed to hear that. You needed to see that.” Kihyun nodded softly. “I want to take you out. Not to a bar, not to a club. I want to take you to dinner, I want you to see love for what it actually is. But you need to get better before I do that. You need to focus on you. You won’t do that going back home. So I’m begging you. On my behalf, Minhyuk’s and your dad’s. We need you to go for this evaluation, we’ll get you a bed in a hospital. We’ll see you during visiting hours. The time will pass. But you have to work at it. Please. Let us help you.”

Kihyun shook his head. “I’m scared. You’re going to leave me. I’m too fucked up to fix, you’re supposed to throw me away. I don’t work.” I shook my head.

“People like Jooheon are supposed to throw you away. That’s what you’re used to. But people who love you won’t throw you away when you deem yourself to be too broken to fix. That’s not what people who love you do.” He wasn’t lying to me anymore, I don’t think he saw any worth in it. “When you come back, when you decide, I will take you out. But you have to get better, Kihyun.”

He nodded, looking around the room. “My dad’s here? Or my sperm donor?” I shook my head, letting him know his dad, Minhyuk’s dad, was here. “If I saw that motherfucker, I don’t know what I’d do. I’m glad sperm donor isn’t here.” I nodded, laying my head next to him. I held one hand while he played with my hair with the other. He fell asleep before I did. I was hoping he felt serenity, but I was scared that I pushed him too far once again.


	14. attempt

I was getting out today. It'd been about a month away from my apartment and I missed being there. I missed everyone, since I had only seen them for a total of 30 hours in the past 30 days. "You ready to have one last meeting, Kihyun?" A nurse came to my door, coming to take me to my last meeting with my psychiatrist.

"More than ready," I smiled, getting up and following her. 

She flipped one of the drawstrings of my hoodie, "Wanna take that off and hand it to me? I'll hold onto it until you actually leave."

I hadn't even noticed that there was strings in it, so I nodded and took it off. I told Minhyuk to avoid drawstrings. I hated not having a jacket because the office gets cold, but it's fine I guess. I'm almost home. "Good morning, Kihyun." Dr. Lin smiled. She was a sweetheart and a huge softie. I hope she lets me know how to keep in contact. "So, do you know what it’s gonna be like for you when you go home?” She asked.

“I know that Minhyuk has probably suicide proofed the apartment. If I’m not mistaken, he might’ve had our doors temporarily removed, except for the bathroom. It probably looks vastly different than before, and it’s gonna be weird, but I can handle it.” Hearing myself admit all the changes coming felt less constricting this time. Maybe it was because I was finally accepting that things needed to change if I wanted to feel better. “I’m at a point where I’m still struggling, but I want it to get better and I know that’s gonna take time. I don’t want to kill myself to get that result.”

Dr. Lin nodded. “That’s perfectly okay. That’s a good place to be compared to where you came from. You’re 30 days clean today, so I want to give you this.” She handed me a chip, a red chip medallion. “You said your favorite color was red, so I bought you your first NA chip. I wanted to be the first one to give it to you.” My jaw dropped as I looked up at her.

The tears of gratefulness started to pour. “Dr. Lin, thank you so much.” I wiped my eyes, holding onto the chip for dear life. “Do you know where I can join a Narcotics Anonymous group? That’s the first big thing I want to do tomorrow.”

Dr. Lin looked through her resources for brochures for me. “There you go, Kihyun. Before you leave, let’s set up appointments and get you signed up with a program we have where you can contact me directly whenever you need to.” I nodded, following her to her computer.

Shortly after had just finished setting me up with the program, someone buzzed in for me. “Minhyuk and Hoseok are here for Kihyun.” I suddenly was afraid. I had been doing so good here. What was gonna happen when the outside world came back into my existence?

“Let’s go get you checked out, Kihyun.” Dr. Lin was the sweetest. She helped me desensitize myself to some of the pain that was there. My father never being around, or popping up randomly just to leave me again. Witnessing my best friend waste away because of drugs. Everything Jooheon was. It didn’t stop hurting, but it hurt less. When I thought of my father, I stopped thinking so much about the time where him and my mother got into an argument and he drove away from us. While I cried for him to take me with him, I tried to run with his truck. When I thought of Minhyuk, I stopped hating him for his choices. Hating him for not doing anything about Jooheon. Hating him for getting clean while I struggled so hard with it. Jooheon just scared me less and I learned to recognize when someone actually loved me, not just the power they had over me. I learned a lot here and I was terrified to lose it all. I guess that meant I had something to lose.

As soon as Minhyuk and I signed release forms at the front desk, he enveloped me in a bear hug. Why did you think we called him Bear? He wouldn’t stop crying. “God, Kihyun... I missed you so much.” I glanced at Dr. Lin, hoping she saw my discomfort. Even though it was nothing but love, he grabbed me suddenly. I couldn’t handle sudden movements. 

Dr. Lin just nodded at me. As if to say it was okay for me to let him know I wasn’t comfortable, even though he was just happy to see me and he wasn’t really hurting me. “I missed you too Bear...” I gulped softly, my throat running dry. “But... but can you please let go of me?” I asked. He nodded, letting me go and wiping his tears subsequently. “It’s not that I’m not happy to see you, but... the sudden movement scared me. I didn’t like that.”

Minhyuk nodded, completely understanding. “Do you have something you’d like me to do to ask you if it’s okay to hug you?” He asked. I never had this conversation about consent. Ever. It was refreshing to say the least.

“I uh...” I looked back for Dr. Lin, but she’d already stepped away. I was alone again. “I don’t know? If you want to hold my hand, I’d like it better if you could tap my hand with your pinkie finger. Just to let me know? We can practice it later? If that’s okay.”

Wonho had a huge smile on his face. “That sounds great,” Minhyuk said, leading us out to the car.

I looked at Wonho and shot him a shy smile. “Why are you smiling?” I asked.

“You just incorporated things you learned here into your life immediately.” He said. “You recognized that you weren’t comfortable. You let the person know, firmly. You had a conversation with them, explaining what you preferred. And you resolved your own discomfort, without internalizing it until it bothered you that much more.” 

I thought about it for a second. “Wow,” I smiled. “I guess I did, huh?” Wonho nodded, opening one of his arms to suggest a hug. I gave him a small side hug before we got in the car.

I decided I needed to tell him something, but I didn’t want to have a full conversation. I just wanted to be happy I was home. So I resorted to texting him.

Me:  
Hey, so... I know you mentioned that you loved me, actually. And I don’t know if you weren’t telling me just so I would choose to go to a psychiatric hospital, or what. But... part of being free now is learning to be independent. I have to work on staying clean, I have to get myself right before I can think about a relationship. But I wanted to say thank you for not giving up on me, even when I said and did the shittiest things to you. I love and appreciate you for that. 

I watched as Wonho opened up his messages, taking a second to read. He nodded a bit, not actually replying. “So, Kihyun.” Minhyuk asked, butting in unbeknownst to him. “Do you wanna go to Campisi’s?” 

My favorite Italian place. “Of course?” I chuckled. “Is that even a question?” He smiled, finding his way to the interstate.

My phone buzzed softly, letting me know I had a message.

Wonho:  
I know, Kihyun. Don’t worry about it. When you’re ready, you’ll know. And I’ll be waiting. But don’t rush yourself. You don’t need to worry about me. But I thank you for telling me and communicating with me. Another thing you’ve done well.

I smiled softly, looking out the window as we rode. The outside world was brighter today. I felt like I was trudging through life with muted vision. Now, colors were vibrant and enjoyable. I could see clearly now. I was excited to get to my recovery.


	15. past life *NSFW*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wonho and Kihyun finally sit down and talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has a detailed smut scene, unlike my other works and chapters.

After dinner, I decided that I wanted to spend time with Wonho alone. There were things I had to say and I needed to properly apologize to him. “Do you mind if I come upstairs with you, Wonho?” I asked as we got out of the car at our apartment building.

Wonho shook his head. “Not at all,” he said. “Minhyuk, I’ll have him back downstairs soon. Sound like a plan?”

Minhyuk was a little hesitant. “Would it be an issue if I came upstairs too?” He asked. It really wouldn’t be, but I wanted to be alone. It was going to take me a while to get the words right and it was embarrassing enough remembering how much fucked up shit I did and said. Plus, I felt like the apology deserved to be intimate to show how genuine I was.

“A little bit,” I sighed. “I just want to talk with him, I’m not gonna do anything stupid to endanger my sobriety and rehabilitation already.” Minhyuk nodded, backing off. Wonho led us to his apartment and anxiety picked back up. What if I said something that made it worse? What if I did something wrong? Maybe I should’ve brought Bear with me.

We walked in and I waited until Wonho offered me a seat before I sat down. “Do you want something to drink or anything?” He asked, gesturing to his kitchen table.

“No thank you,” I smiled softly. I was beyond nervous. I felt like I was going to throw up. What if I can’t fix what I broke? What if I hurt him terribly? Minhyuk’s broken ten years of sobriety already, what if I had Wonho breaking himself too? 

Before Wonho sat down, he brought some napkins to the table and two bottles of water. “I was thirsty myself.”

I furrowed my eyebrows, pointing at the napkins. “What are those for?” I asked.

“Something tells me that we might end up crying,” Wonho chuckled a little.

I nodded, sadly smiling. “Fuck, I... I had all these words I wanted to say and now I don’t know.” I didn’t know how to start. “You... you have done so much for me when I’ve done nothing for you, and I’m beyond sorry for what I’ve done. You fucking helped save me. More than once. And I... I was cruel and evil to you.”

Wonho nodded a bit. “Well, you’ve have cruel and evil all your life, I assume. It’s what you’re used to?” He asked.

“My mama wasn’t cruel or evil. Dad, Minhyuk, they weren’t. In fact, you hit the nail on the head that one day. Mama loved me so much. She was so good about making everything seem easy, even though my father was a deadbeat to us. She always told me ‘I made that body from scratch, Kihyun. Be careful with it.’ When she didn’t come home one day, I woke up to Dad knocking at my front door with the police. There was a car wreck earlier in the evening before sunset. Someone ran her off the road, because they were pissed. Road rage took her from me. Mama wasn’t cruel, but her fate was. She hurt no one, did nothing wrong... and she died at the hands of a driver who was pissed that she cut over a little too close.” There came the tears. I hadn’t told anyone else that story. Minhyuk and Dad knew. Jooheon did too, but no one else. I reached for a napkin, patting my eyes dry. “And with Jooheon, he would use that against me every chance he got. He would ask me if he was sure she didn’t just kill herself to get away from me. He broke everything inside of me and I let him. And in turn, I break everyone else around me.”

Wonho reached for my hand, hoping to hold it. When I grabbed it, he squeezed it softly. “No one lets this happen. No one lets abuse take control. They just don’t know how to get out of it and still save their lives. Yes, you did say some hurtful things. I’ve forgiven you over and over. I need you to forgive yourself now. That was in the past, and that wasn’t Kihyun. Not the Kihyun you are now, no the Kihyun that grew up with Minhyuk. You weren’t yourself. You tried to protect yourself, even if it hurt someone else because you were scared. I forgive you for that. Now, I need you to forgive yourself.” I nodded, wiping my tears away with my free hand.

When my face dried up again, I stood up, still holding Wonho’s hand. There I was, kissing him with a passion and a longing I hadn’t felt for such a long time. It wasn’t making out, it wasn’t a kiss where I had to have him right then and there. It was the only way I could get my emotions out. How much I really cared for him, how sorry I was, how much I appreciated him... and dare I say it, how much I fucking loved him. He started to pull away after a few moments. “Please, don’t say it.” I whimpered, wanting to kiss him forever.

“You’re gonna endanger your sobriety,” he mumbled, his voice deep with all the same emotions. “I can’t let you do that, Kihyun.” 

I shook my head, moving to straddle his lap, bringing myself closer to him. “I’m going to be okay,” I whispered, planting a kiss next to his lips. “I want this. I Iove you, Hoseok.” We never used his real name, but he needed to know just how I felt about him. “I love you, I love you... I don’t say this, there nothing light about it. I love you, please.” His arms rested on my thighs cautiously as I kissed him again.

“Kihyun,” he sighed, pulling away once more. “Is this just you being grateful and thinking you have to pay me back?” I shook my head. It really wasn’t. I loved him and how he continued to care for me, despite everything I put him through. Yes, I knew I had to make it up to him, but that’s not why I wanted him right now.

I ran my hands through his hair softly. “I want you to show me what love is like. I don’t think I’ve ever had loving sex. Ever. I just hook up, I get used and I use others. I don’t know what it’s like to be loved. And I need you to love me right now.” 

Wonho looked at my eyes, sighing a bit. “Loving you would be taking you back upstairs right now. I don’t want to take advantage of you, Kihyun. You may think you’re giving me consent to do what I want, but you’re vulnerable right now. It would be so fucked up of me to say I love you in one breath and still have sex with you in this moment.” What could he take advantage of here? 

Maybe I was really clouded in my judgment. Maybe this was real. Maybe I just made it up in my mind. I went back to kissing him softly. “But you’re not making me get up,” I smiled a bit. “You’re considering it. And it’s a yes from me, Hoseok.”

I don’t know what I did or what I said, but I felt how much he appreciated me calling him by his real name. “Fuck, we really shouldn’t.” His hands slowly ran up my thighs, meeting up around my hips. “I really want to love you the way you deserve, but sex isn’t the way to do that yet.” I let my lips trail down his neck, earning a small grunt from him.

“I believe the term is ‘making love,’ Wonho.” That was the last thing I needed to convince him. My hands roamed his defined chest as his hands got tangled into my hair. We started to kiss again, this time with more vigor. My hips instinctively started grinding against his, wanting friction against my crotch. 

This time, Wonho kissed down my neck, leaving love marks. “Shit, I should probably choose better places so you can hide them,” he chuckled. “Do you want to take your shirt off?” I nodded, letting him raise the cloth over my head. “Do you want mine off?”

I smiled a bit. “Yes, please.” I stressed the please, running my hands under his shirt. I helped him take it off as well, leaving it on the floor next to us. “Let’s go to your room,” I chuckled softly. Wonho smiled, picking me up, helping me wrap my legs around his waist. 

When he laid me down, I felt nothing but happiness. Everything about this was different from the last time. From the passion, to the speed, to the touch, all the way down to how I felt with him. Last time, I panicked. I was so comfortable with him now, ready for him to do anything he wanted to show me. 

After he spent time kissing me from my head, down to my chest and stomach, his hands paused around my waist. “Are you sure you want to? You can say no at any time.”

I nodded, wrapping my arms around his neck. “Show me what it feels like to be loved,” I took every feature of his face. The way his eyebrows raised in perfect concern and consideration, the look of confirmation in his eyes, the display of care from his lips. He was perfect. 

In one swift motion, he’d taken my pants and boxers off together. He reached for his nightstand drawer, grabbing a small bottle and a condom. After he undressed himself completely and rolled on the condom, he poured a generous amount of lube onto his fingers and I was internally jumping in anticipation. “Come closer,” he mumbled, pulling me down toward him a little bit. “Let me know if anything hurts, Ki. Okay?”

I giggled softly, holding onto his thighs below me. “This is not my first rodeo,” I smiled.

Wonho laughed a little. “To be fair, you never really talked through any of this before. You just did. I want to hear you.” I nodded, letting him know it was okay to start. He slipped a slender digit in, slowly moving it in and out, giving me much needed relief. “You feel okay?” He asked.

I nodded again, biting back a small moan. “More than okay.” He smiled, slowly working me up, stretching me just right. “You can bring in another,” I said, a moan escaping as soon as he did so.

In the blink of an eye, Wonho’s head dipped down, taking an opportunity to lick at the tip of my dick, starting to work me up even more. I didn’t want to keep quiet anymore. I let out more of a moan, a little louder than before. “There you go, baby.” He smirked, taking in another taste. 

Wonho pushed in one more finger to make three in total. I was ready. More than ready. I needed him so much. “Fuck, Hoseok, please...” I whimpered. “I need you. Please.”

A few more seconds of stretching me and sucking me off before he backed off, preparing for the main event. He took the lube that was still on his hand and rubbed it onto himself before lining up with my entrance. “Are you ready, baby?” He asked. I nodded frantically, not sure I could take anymore teasing and waiting. He slowly entered with just the tip, making sure I was comfortable before bottoming out. Everything about him was perfect. Perfect for me.

“Move,” I whined, needing more of everything. He slowly pulled back out and pushed back in, setting a soft and slow pace. This was new for me in its entirety. No one ever asked me if it was okay every step of the way. No one ever took it this slow with me. I was usually fucked like the dirty whore I presented my nightlife self to be. This feeling, it was all new for me. New and overwhelming.

After a minute or two, Wonho came to a complete stop. “Kihyun, are you okay?” He asked, pausing for a second. “You’re crying, love.” This was fucking embarrassing for me. I shook my head softly, wiping my tears away. “Do you need to stop?” 

I shook my head again, sitting up for a moment. “I’m just... I’m overwhelmed. Everything is okay, everything is fine. I’m not hurt, I’m not scared, I’m enjoying myself.” Wonho tilted my face to look at him. “This is new. All of this is new.” I sniffled, chuckling at how pathetic I must’ve seemed.

“What’s new?” He asked. “Is there anything I’m doing wrong?” No. Nothing.

I caressed his cheek softly. “I’m just realizing just how wrong everyone had been doing it before. This is perfect. I don’t want you to change any of it.” I took a deep breath before leaning back again. “Come back, I’m okay. I promise.”

Wonho slowly came back to me, slowly starting again. “I got you, Kihyun.” He kissed my cheek, slowly thrusting his hips again.

He’d kept from that one spot for as long as possible. When I moved my hip to meet his, my breath hitched. “Fuck, that felt great. Do it again.” He began to pick up speed a little bit, hitting my sweet spot repeatedly. “Oh my God,” I whimpered, my orgasm just over the horizon.

“I’m getting closer,” Wonho moaned, his hips speeding up again.

I nodded, kissing him passionately and morning into his mouth. I didn’t want Minhyuk to hear us too much. “Cum with me,” I gasped, feeling everything rush to my cock. 

Wonho’s free hand reached up to meet mine, intertwining our fingers together as his thrusting became erratic. “God, Kihyun,” he moaned, his hips stuttering. Hearing my name fall from his lips like that was all I needed to let go. We both froze in place, letting our orgasms course through our bodies. White painted our stomachs as I arched off of the bed a little bit.

“Oh my God,” I whimpered, taking a deep breath as Wonho pulled out. He disposed of his condom before holding me close, kissing me softly. 

When he pulled away, I wrapped my arms around him. “Are you okay, Kihyun?” He asked once again.

I nodded. “Never better...” I felt a mix of emotions, tears coming out again. “Not one man made me feel like that. Not one hookup, not Jooheon... no one. I didn’t know sex could feel like this.”

Wonho kissed my cheek. “Like what?” He asked, pulling his comforter over us.

“Pure bliss,” I smiled. “You didn’t just need to get off. You cared about what I needed, you catered to my body, you never took my yes for granted. You didn’t get what you wanted and walk away. No one’s done what you did tonight. And I know, I should be 100% focused on myself and my sobriety. But I needed that. I needed to know what it felt like to know that you’re being loved by someone. I didn’t know that I could fully love and enjoy sex. I wasn’t sure that was a choice for me.”

I looked up to see that Wonho was crying himself. “I hate that you’re 26 years old, and this is the first time you could say that. That you felt loved. That you didn’t know sex could feel so good.” I pouted softly, wiping his tears away. “I hate that you didn’t think you deserved anything good.” Wonho laid his head on my shoulder, holding me tightly. “Please don’t do that again... I don’t care what I’m doing, where I am. I want you to tell me everything. I want you to talk to me. I don’t ever want to come pick your lifeless body up from an abandoned parking lot, terrified you’re not going to come back to me or Minhyuk.” I nodded, holding onto him tightly. 

Wonho had kept so strong for me for a few months now, and it was his time to break down. I had no plans on doing that to either of them ever again. It was cruel and unfair. My phone rang out from my discarded jeans. I groaned, sitting up to grab it. It was Minhyuk asking me when I was coming back downstairs. As soon as I grabbed my phone, Wonho wrapped his arms around me tightly, almost afraid to really let me go. I placed a hand on his, texting Minhyuk that I would be back tomorrow. I was fine here where I was and I didn’t want to leave Wonho right now. Not like this.


	16. choices

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Discussion of rape

When I got back home the next morning, Minhyuk was sitting on the couch, arms folded and stern lecture on the tip of his tongue. "Before you say anything," I sighed, shutting the door.

"No." He stated, standing up. "You're being reckless already, Kihyun. Be honest with me, did you sleep with him?" I nodded softly, feeling guilty about it suddenly. "Kihyun, you've already fucking endangered your sobriety."

Time to use my words. I can't walk away without telling him how I feel. "I understand the concern. I'm a little disappointed in myself as well. But I don't appreciate the lecturing. I know you care and you're worried, but right now all you're doing is making me feel bad about myself." Minhyuk took a deep breathe and took a second before responding.

I was terrified to hear the response. Maybe he saw me shaking or gripping the side of my pants for stability. Whatever he saw or heard, it changed his tone. "I'm sorry," he started. "I can see how harsh I came off. And yes, I am worried about you. I just want to make sure you're taking everything seriously." I furrowed my eyebrows slightly.

"I don't want to die, Minhyuk." I started thinking about everything. "Do you want me to tell you what happened?" He nodded, patting the couch for me to sit next to him.

When I left the apartment, when I left those notes? I didn't want anything. I didn't want to come back, I didn't want freedom. I was going to forever be tied to Jooheon, that was just my fate and I accepted it.

Jooheon picked me up down the street from the apartment. "I knew you were gonna come back to me." I nodded, looking down at my lap. "What do you want, Kihyun? Do you want to get high, do you wanna get fucked up? Or do you wanna get fucked out? I can do it all." I had no doubt that he could or that he even would. I had to choose carefully because with him, once you said yes, it was a legally binding decision.

"I don't care," I said, looking out the window. "I don't want to think." Then again, coming out to this parking lot with him proved I wasn't thinking.

I knew this sadistic fuck loved that. "I'll treat you right. Even though I shouldn't. You ran away from me. That was a bad Kihyun. You gonna be good for me?" I nodded, keeping my mouth shut like I knew how to. "Good boy."

When we pulled over, Jooheon reached behind me to clear out the back seat. “I’m guessing you want it right to the groin? Easy access for multiple reasons.” I nodded, quickly unbuckling my pants. I needed it, the drugs. I wanted the rush.

“After it sets in?” I asked softly, wincing a little at the poke. I hadn’t had this in so long, it felt like a shot. Jooheon looked up at me after he emptied the syringe into my veins. “I want you to fuck me like there’s no tomorrow.” I didn’t plan on there being a tomorrow.

Jooheon smirked, kissing me roughly. “You always were a needy slut for me.”

Minhyuk cringed a bit. “Can you remember what happened after you guys had sex?” He asked.

I tried. “I feel like he said something like ‘You’re usually too out of it to hold onto me like this. You might not be high enough.’ Like... like he was being considerate of my high. It wasn’t caring at all. I was honestly fucked up and fucked out. I held onto him because it was closeness I had driven away from me before. That, and being in the front seat was cramped enough. Wrapping around him was comfortable. If I wasn’t clingy, he would’ve noticed I was high enough. And he just shot me up again. That second hit was way stronger after it got into my system. I remember my hands dropping from his arms. And I think he said something about that being more like it. Then he kissed me again and I don’t remember anything after that.” My memory was failing me.

“I’m gonna ask you this, and I want you to be honest.” I nodded, ready for it. “Do you think he raped you?” That, I wasn’t ready for.

Suddenly, panic came over me. “I asked for everything that happened that night.”

He shook his head. “Kihyun, you didn’t ask to overdose. You didn’t ask for that second hit. And you were far too high to ask him to kiss you again. We found you with your clothes half off. You were passed out and fell out of the backseat of the car.” The backseat? No, when we fucked we were in the front.

“At no point did I get in the backseat...” I tried to think, but I couldn’t.

Minhyuk held my hand. “I’m not trying to give you another traumatic experience to deal with. But I want to be here if you realize or remember anything.” Anything meaning being taken advantage of.

I shook my head. “He’s done it before, but that wasn’t anything like any time before.”

His jaw dropped immediately. “You... Kihyun? He’s raped you before?” I nodded, willing the tears to go away this time. “Bubba... when?” Minhyuk asked.

When didn’t he take advantage of me? When didn’t he just make me accept that being in a relationship with him meant I had to submit to be his sex slave? When didn’t he exploited his power over me, I’m every aspect? “After he started having sex with Changkyun, I never wanted to have sex with him. If I ended up in bed with him, he fucked me. He had sex with me. And I ended up in bed with him on party nights when I distinctly remember trying to stay with you. I knew what was waiting for me when I got home.” I never called it what it was. I didn’t know I even could.

“Why didn’t you speak up?” Minhyuk asked. “I’m not judging or shaming you for that, I can understand the many reasons why not. I just want to know what your reason was.”

There went the tears. “I didn’t know I could. I didn’t know it was called rape. Not for me. I thought that since I stayed, it was just a part of the deal.” Minhyuk wiped my tears away, pulling me into a hug.

He ran his hand through my hair. “Shh, Bubba... it’s okay. You’re safe now.” Was I though?

“Anywhere I go, I’m not safe.” I sniffled softly, holding onto my brother tighter. “Because anywhere I go, I’m sure to follow.” I never made myself a victim but I surely kept myself a victim. “Minhyuk, I slept with Wonho because I knew I was safe. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me and he wouldn’t let me hurt myself. I convinced him, I seduced him. We were sure we wanted it, even if we weren’t supposed to. And when he cried afterwards, telling me how scared he was? I couldn’t leave and come back here to sleep in my room alone. I didn’t trust myself.” 

Minhyuk nodded, seeming to understand now why I was with him last night. “If you ever feel like you need to go back, let me know and I will get you back to a safe place. You’re going to be okay, Kihyun. And there’s a lot you’ve done, but the things that continued to happen to you after you wanted to stop it, that’s not your fault. Remember that, okay?” I nodded, laying my head down on Minhyuk’s chest. Before I knew it, I was completely serene again and falling asleep.


	17. alone

"You cannot stay here with me forever," I chuckled, slightly shoving Minhyuk to the door. “I will be fine. I’m gonna look into getting a job and setting up promotional things for my photography.”

Minhyuk smiled widely. “I haven’t heard you talk about photography for years... I’m so glad you’re looking into it. Don’t be afraid to call my job if you need me in an emergency.” I nodded, letting him go. Wonho and Minhyuk worked in Anaheim, thirty minutes away. If anything were to go wrong, I think I’d be fucked. Luckily, Jooheon was gone. I was free.

After an hour of applying to jobs, there was a knock on the door. I furrowed my eyebrows, not expecting any company. “Hell-“ I froze in place, staring at another motherfucker who ruined me.

“Hey bud!” Changkyun smiled, starting to walk in. I shifted into the small opening that would’ve allowed him to come in. We were the same height but he had more muscles to him. He always had decent abs, I would have to work at them. “Aw, I can’t come in?” I shook my head, lost for words. “I didn’t hear a no.” He pushed past me, coming into my home anyway. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

I had my phone in my pocket? That was decent enough. “Wh-What are you doing here?” I asked, still by the door. My anxiety was high and my words would be ineffective.

Changkyun chuckled at me. “What, I can’t visit an old friend?” He asked.

“We’re... we’re not friends.” I avoided looking at him, not sure if that was smart or not. Last time I saw him, before I ran away? He beat my ass to kingdom come, because I was still with Jooheon. What did he want now?

He had the nerve to look offended. “We’re not friends?” I shook my head. “Aw, I would think since we shared a common interest for so long, we’d be best buds. But you did always like to take what didn’t belong to you.”

I couldn’t move, still frozen by the door. “No. No, he wasn’t mine. He wasn’t mine, he was all yours.” Which was half true. He definitely held more of Jooheon than I did.

“You just got out of the hospital huh?” I looked up to see him by the desk. Where my laptop, some of my photography equipment, and hospital bands and paperwork was. “Admitted after an opioid overdose? Oh, Kihyun.” Changkyun turned to face me while staring at my file. “Are you okay now?” 

No. I wasn’t. I needed help. I needed him gone. “How did you find me?” I asked.

Changkyun shrugged. “Jooheon knew. So I knew. I know everything he knows.” I wanted to vomit. I felt so small, in the middle of my own apartment. “Listen, Kihyun. I just came to give you a parting gift. Call a truce. I know it’s your favorite.”

He raised a ziplock from his inside coat pocket. “Keep it. A truce is a truce, you don’t leave anything behind in a truce.” I looked away from him again. Jooheon and Changkyun had to be children of Satan. Why in the fuck would he come into my home, where I wasn’t bothering anyone, and offer me a Molotov cocktail of drugs and their respective paraphernalia. I could tell there was coke, meth, and heroin in there for sure. A syringe was conveniently placed in there.

“It’s all yours,” Changkyun smiled. “Don’t worry about the syringe. That’s yours too.” Stop it. Stop it, leave me alone. I just wanted to scream but I couldn’t... “Kihyun you are nothing but a fucking druggie. So get used to it and take your fucking bag.”

I started crying and I knew that was means for mocking. “No... I’m clean.” I wanted to stay clean. I knew if I took them, hid them, anything that wasn’t honest? I would not only break sobriety, I would be lying to Minhyuk, Wonho, Dr. Lin, and myself. 

“Aw, you’re clean?” Changkyun asked. “So was Minhyuk for ten years, he ain’t shit either. He told me everything, I was his best friend. I should beat your fucking ass, I lost my best friend and almost lost my boyfriend because of you.” He threw the bag at me. “I hope you lose your fucking life. Because you’re not shit, Kihyun. You’re never gonna see ten years. You won’t see ten months, not even ten weeks. Because as soon as I walk out of this apartment? You’re gonna snort and shoot yourself into a heart attack and die right here where there’s not one person to save you. You are your worst enemy. Stop blaming me and Jooheon for the mess you created and chose to stay in.” As he started to walk away, heading to the door, the tears stopped. “Your little excursion almost cost Joo his freedom. Don’t fuck with me, Kihyun. I’ve won. I’ll keep winning. You pussy ass bitch.” I moved away from the door so he could leave and I locked the door immediately after he left.

As I slid down the wall opposite of the door, I felt one thing devour me. Isolation. I was completely isolated. It was only an hour after Minhyuk clocked in, I couldn’t bother him. And I did let Changkyun in before checking who was there through the peephole. This was my fault too. I stared at the bag on the floor. The fucker had a point. If Minhyuk could break ten years, what made me think I’d get anywhere close? I reached in my pocket and shakily pulled out my phone. I had to call someone.

“Hello, you’ve reached Minhyuk. Leave your name and phone number and I’ll call you back as soon as possible.” Okay... next one.

“Hey, it’s Wonho. I’m not able to take your call right now so leave your name and number and I’ll get back to you.” Goddamn it.

“This caller has a voicemail box that has not been set up yet. Please try again later. Goodbye.” Wow, not even my dad?

“Linden Trading Company, may I please put you on hold?” Sure, I guess that was fine. At least I would’ve gotten in touch with someone. 

As I waited for over 15 minutes, I was left just staring the bag down. I had to get rid of it. It shouldn’t be here in my living room. I heard the building door shut downstairs. “Fuck,” I mumbled, taking the bag and rushing to the bathroom. My door was gone, I couldn’t hide it in my room.

I was closing in on 20 minutes on hold and I was stressed beyond stressed. There were two blunts in the bag. These weren’t bad. Weed isn’t even really a drug. I can just light one for my anxiety, which is off the charts right now. I hung up the phone, reaching in the back to take out one blunt. I looked in the drawers for a lighter. Minhyuk loved candles and kept them in the bathroom. 

As soon as I found a lighter, I went ahead and lit the blunt, taking a good long drag off of it. God, that felt good. But soon after that drag, I realized I needed something strong. I fucked up and I knew it. There was no one to blame but me. At least I was still taking responsibility for my faults.


	18. avenge

It was about four o'clock when I finally got in my car to go home. I'd be there for an extra two hours. I'd been at work at six in the morning. I was exhausted. Getting in the car, I noticed I had missed calls, voicemails, and texts from Kihyun. "I hope I didn't miss an anxiety attack. Hopefully he's sleeping." Even though there was no one there, talking was a habit of mine. I used to talk to Kai like that. I played the voicemails as I turned my car on.

"Help me. I'm struggling. Changkyun found me." Changkyun? Wasn't that Jooheon's bitch?

"He left me with drugs, Hoseok, I'm scared. Minhyuk didn't answer, you didn't answer." Fuck... fuck please no.

"I don't plan on using them. I don't want to use them. But I'm scared. Please try to call Minhyuk for me." God, please no.

"Okay... I smoked some weed. But that's all I've done. I don't want it. And weed's not that bad." Goddamn it, Kihyun... what did you do? 

I rushed home, trying to make sure he was okay before Minhyuk got home. He wasn't supposed to get home until five and I didn't feel okay leaving Kihyun at home like that. "Pick up the phone, Kihyun." I mumbled, calling him. "Pick up the phone." No answer. "Come on, Kihyun, pick up the phone!" I kept calling him until I pulled up to the apartment building.

I ran upstairs, taking the spare key from the plant by their door. "Kihyun!" I called, opening the door. I rushed to his bedroom first. He wasn't there. "Kihyun!" I turned around to see the light on under the bathroom door. "Oh God, no..." I opened the door, seeing Kihyun on the floor. He held his head on his knees as he was propped against the wall. "Kihyun?" I shook him softly and there was barely a response. "Baby?" I picked his head up, feeling his face. His skin tone was turning to ash and his face was clammy. He couldn't look up at me. I did what I knew to do and called 911. After the paramedics were dispatched, I called Minhyuk. Better yet, I called his direct extension.

"What's up?" He asked, typing away at something he was working on.

I looked down at Kihyun trying to keep him straight up. I didn't need him trapping his lungs. "Do you have Changkyun's phone number?" I asked.

Minhyuk chuckled a bit. "How do you know about him? I might."

I heard the door of the apartment building. "Kihyun saw him today... and now he's in the bathroom, suffering another overdose. This one's an accident, I can tell." I stood up, letting the paramedics come in to help him.

"What the fuck?" Minhyuk snapped. "There aren't any motherfucking drugs in that apartment, how the fuck did he get them?" I knew he was upset but what he said next concerned me. "After he gets to the hospital, pack him a fucking bag, he's staying with you. I..." He chuckled a bit to himself. "I-I cannot keep doing this. Why the fuck can't he just take responsibility and call when he's in danger?"

I scoffed, walking outside to my car, waiting for the medics to load Kihyun into the ambulance. "He called your phone. He called your fucking company and was put on hold for over 20 minutes. You wanna give up on him when you yourself were this bad once upon a time? Fine. You wanna claim he's not reaching out when he's in danger but you missed all his calls? Fine. He didn't want the drugs this time. So send me that bitch's number and I'll handle it. And since he's my responsibility now, you can go ahead and still pack that bag for me." I hung up, beyond pissed off. How was Minhyuk going to give up on Kihyun like that?

I took Changkyun’s number and called him on a private number. “Hey man,” I said, changing my voice slightly. 

“Hey what’s up?” I guess he recognized this person’s voice. That was kind of funny.

I reached over to my GPS, pulling up the destination entry. “Man, I’m so lost. What’s your address again? I know I’m supposed to come over to check out some things.” He gave it to me without any hesitation. The Park Springs hotel, room 439. No hesitation told me he was aware of my trick, but I didn’t care.

Within ten minutes, I was there. There was nothing to do but get out and go in. I found room 439 with no difficulty. When I was on a mission, not one damn thing stood in my way. I knocked three times, waiting for the door to open. Once it did, I started to walk in. “You’re not who I thought you’d be,” Changkyun said, looking at his phone.

“Well, who did you think I’d be?” I asked.

He looked me up and down. “Well, someone a lot less cute. But no, you’re fucking hot.”

I smiled a bit. He was this much of a whore? Made me think about what Jooheon really had him doing. “Where’s your old man?” I asked, playing up the role of a john. 

“He’s not here, so what does it matter?” He asked, running his hands down my chest.

Turning around to face the door, I reached to open it and put the do not disturb sign out. Once the door was shut, I locked it immediately. “That means he won’t get in my way.” In an instant, my fist swung and landed right on Changkyun’s nose.

“Ow!” He screamed. “What the fuck, bro?”

I knew I’d fee that pain later. But not right now. Now, I wasn’t just mad. I was pissed the fuck off. “Shut the fuck up, you pussy ass bitch. You deserve that. And this.” I went ahead and slammed his stomach down on my knee as I lifted it. “And maybe a little bit of this.” With his hair wrapped in my hand, I threw him over the desk they had in the room.

Changkyun took a second to get recalibrated. “What the fuck did I do to you, man?” He asked. “I ain’t do shit.”

We skated past pissed and went straight to hell hath no fury like one crazy ass motherfucker. “You ain’t do shit? You ain’t do shit?” My hands reached up to his collar, slamming him into the adjacent wall. “You cost him his fucking sobriety, almost his fucking life.” That’s when it clicked and his cockiness came out to play.

“Little bitch deserves it,” He laughed. I kept him in place with my left hand and socked him with my right.

And I did it again. “Lose your fucking attitude, you cocksucker. You aren’t as big and bad as you think.”

He really wanted to try to swing on me. Not only did I block it, but I caught him with an uppercut right after. “Yeah but...” Changkyun couldn’t breathe. If I wasn’t careful, I’d kill this bitch. “I got to your little boy toy. Broke him down like a motherfucking fraction.” A punch to the stomach shut him up just fine.

“Break me then, bitch.” My hands found their way to his collar again. “Break me down like a fraction then. Bet you fucking won’t.”

I threw him against the wall and then flung him against the desk, letting him go so he would learn how to fly. Though winded and bloodied, he was good at talking shit. “He’s gonna die on you. Just like your beloved ex-girlfriend.” My heart dropped. How the fuck did he know about that? “Jooheon does his research. And you think you did something to me? Wait until he finds you or Kihyun. He’ll have the morgue on standby for your ass.” His last sentence was cut short as he started to cough up blood.

“You think he loves you or something?” I asked. “Huh? You think you’re so special? You’re about as special as a slutty nurse on Halloween.” I kneeled down to be face level with him. “Boo, trick. You ain’t a fucking treat to anything but the street.”

I left him there in his own mess. I dared Jooheon to come find me. I double dog dared him. I triple dog motherfucking dare him to come for me. If he walks up on me or Kihyun, he’ll be wheeled right the fuck back to where he came from. 

After leaving Changkyun and packing a bag like I said I would, I headed to the hospital. It was such a coincidence that him and Changkyun had the same room numbers. If it was even possible, he was worse than when we had that deep conversation before his overdose. His cry was bellowing and filled with despair. “I don’t have anyone left... I don’t have anyone.” 

Kihyun was crying into his pillow, staring at his monitor, begging for it to stop. “Who said that?” I asked, laying my head on his shoulder from behind him.

“I-I’m so sorry!” He screamed. “I’m just an addict. I’m never gonna see ten years, not ten months... I couldn’t even see ten weeks. I’m nothing.”

I shushed him. “You’re not nothing, Kihyun. I got you.” I kissed his cheek softly. “You’re coming home with me, I’m gonna watch over you. We’ll get you back. I promise.” I wrapped my arms tightly around him as he cried and grabbed onto my arms just as tightly. Part of me hopes I didn’t kill Changkyun. But only because I wouldn’t be able to be here for Kihyun. No one’s gonna fuck with him again for as long as I’m here. It’s not what they could do to me that scares me... it’s what I will do to them. My rage was not to be fucked with because once it’s out, it’s a beast to try to roll back.


	19. again

I was almost my own boss at my job, I could take a few days, a week or two away. Kihyun needed me. He needed to feel like he had ground beneath his feet. This wasn’t even a matter of me loving him romantically. I didn’t want to lose him in any way.

“Kihyun?” I called, walking into my bedroom. He’d been laying there since I brought him home 12 hours ago. It was almost eight o’clock at night, he needed to eat something. “Can you look at me?” I asked, sitting next to him.

He shook his head sadly, staring directly in front of him. I hated to see him like this, but at least I wasn’t watching him fake happy like he was perfectly okay. “I just can’t believe I did this... I can’t believe I lost my brother. My bear. I lost Bear.” He began crying softly, sinking deeper into my bed.

My heart hurt for him. “I love you,” I whispered, laying my hand on his back.

“I wish he killed me...” Kihyun sniffled. “I wish he fucking killed me. At any fucking time. I wish I was fucking dead.” I bit my lip, reaching in my pocket to grab my phone. We hadn’t been successful since yesterday, but I tried to call Minhyuk.

A few rings and then nothing. Then my phone beeped, letting me know the call ended. Fucking prick. I scoffed, stomping my foot on the floor repeatedly. “It’s okay, Kihyun... I got you.”

He shook his head, turning his back on me. My jaw fell slightly, wanting to call for him again. Kihyun had not only turned his back but put a distance between us. My phone rang out, scaring me out of my thoughts. “Hello?” I asked, not able to take my eyes off of Kihyun.

“Stop fucking calling me, Wonho.” Who was he getting snippy with? I was not the one nor the two. 

I scoffed, stomping on the floor again. “Shut the fuck up.” I said, laying the phone down next to Kihyun. I glanced over him to see him clawing at his arms. Not in the addict, I need a fix way. “Hey!” I snapped at him, grabbing his shoulder. “You’re not about to hurt yourself, Kihyun. Stop it.” He shrugged away, slightly elbowing me in the side as he cried louder.

I picked up the phone again. “What is he doing?” Minhyuk asked. I heard his door close underneath me.

“So suddenly, you care?” I asked. “He’s not getting up from my bed. He needs to eat, he’s been crying for hours so I know he has a migraine. And he’s at risk.” I wanted to tell him to not bother coming up here, but Kihyun needed an anchor. That anchor was to have Minhyuk tell him he loves him. So even if I wanted to tell him to not start caring now, Kihyun needed Minhyuk.

A knock on my door followed soon after the door shut. Kihyun hadn’t moved all day, I didn’t think he’d start now. So I got up and answered the door. Minhyuk didn’t say a word to me as he rushed off to my bedroom. I rolled my eyes and followed him, watching him and Kihyun from the door. “Shh,” Minhyuk whispered, laying down next to him. “I’m here, Bubba.” Kihyun stopped crying and glanced back at him before flipping around and tackling him with a hug.

“I’m so sorry!” He started crying again. “I didn’t want to. I didn’t mean to overdose. I didn’t mean to break.”

Minhyuk shushed him. “You didn’t mean to break, but you did, Kihyun.” He had a lecture waiting for him and I could tell. “You have to take the responsibility that you have in this.” I wanted to choke him.

“I-“ Kihyun whimpered. “I didn’t want to let him in. He just came in. He walked over me like they do. That’s what they do.” For fuck’s sake, Minhyuk was only making it worse.

He nodded softly. “But still, Kihyun... did you use your words? Did you tell him to leave?” 

That was it. “Let me talk to you in the kitchen, Minhyuk.” I waited until he got up from the bed to start moving.

We parked it by the sink. “What?” He asked. “What the fuck do you have to say to me?”

I furrowed my eyebrows. “Drop the attitude before I drop it for you.” The audacity of him. “Standing in my motherfucking kitchen with a goddamn attitude. Lose it right now.” I knew what he was mad about and it was a matter of time before it came out.

“Kihyun made a fucking choice. You wanted me to come see him, I’m helping him. Don’t tell me how to take care of my brother.” Boy oh boy, was he pissing me off.

Who did he think he was? “You’re hurting him. He wants to hear you say you love him. He wants to know you want to hear him. You’re blaming him entirely for what Changkyun did. He intruded in your guys’ fucking apartment, planted drugs for Kihyun to have to stare at. Seeing them was the trigger, not needing them. He saw them and he thought that’s what he needed and that’s what he deserved. Kihyun didn’t let him in. Wouldn’t you be terrified of someone who is a source of pain, coming to fuck with your mind?”

Minhyuk rolled his eyes. “Just because you fuck him doesn’t mean anything. You know nothing about what he needs.” There it was. That’s what he was mad about.

“And just because you grew up with him doesn’t mean anything. You know he doesn’t need anyone giving up on him.” I was about to kick him out. He was doing nothing but causing shit now.

That’s when he slammed his hand down on the counter. “My own blood gave up on me, I’m pretty fucking fine. At least I was for ten years until a month and a half ago.” Damn, there was more than one thing that he was pissed about?

“Take responsibility, Minhyuk.” I mocked him. “Did you use your words? You made a fucking choice. You’re the one who blew ten years, take fucking responsibility.”

Before he could yell at me again, we heard the bathroom door close. We shared a look of “oh shit” before running out of the kitchen. Minhyuk turned the knob, feeling it’s resistance. 

“Move,” I pushed him away from the door. “Kihyun?” I tried to bust the door down. “Get away from the door, it’s coming down.” But it wouldn’t budge. What could he have put in front of it? I can break doors easily. I could still hear him crying and that was good news to me. I decided to sit down and reach my hand underneath. “Hold my hand, Kihyun.”

He did grab my hand, surprisingly. “I love you, Minhyuk. I’m sorry.” I looked up at Minhyuk, tears finally coming to both of our eyes. “I love you, Hoseok. I do. You know I don’t say it lightly. I love you.” I nodded. I did know.

I told Minhyuk to call 911, silently mouthing. “Kihyun it’s okay baby... just breathe.”

He stopped crying. “It’s going to be okay,” he sighed. “No more fighting. I can’t stand the fighting.” He winced softly and my tears started flowing faster.

“No, no more fighting. Open the door, baby.” I sniffled. 

Kihyun didn’t open the door. “Switch hands, I’m uncomfy,” he sighed. I did as he asked. I pointed toward the cabinet down the hall, signaling Minhyuk to grab the screwdriver.

When I lifted my hand, I saw the telltale sign of crimson over it. “Oh God. Oh my God. Kihyun? What are you doing?” I cried, hitting the door. 

He simply kept breathing slowly. “I love you. No more fighting.” He didn’t just mean arguments. He was done fighting.

“Kihyun, don’t fucking let them win. Please.” Minhyuk stood frozen as if he didn’t know what to do. “Unscrew the goddamn handle!” I screamed.

I heard a small piece of metal hit the floor. “Hold my hands, Hoseok. I’m okay.” No, no he wasn’t. Please, not again. I held his hands, looking down at mine. Blood covered them as if I murdered someone. “I’m okay, baby. I’m fine. Don’t forget me.”

No. This wasn’t happening. Not a second time. I will not lose another love of mine like this. I can’t. Minhyuk got one side of the doorknob unscrewed before I slammed my back into the door. “Kihyun, you’re not fucking dying on me! Don’t fucking do it, please. I love you. I have you.” Please, Minhyuk get the motherfucking door.

“Hoseok,” Kihyun sighed. “I gave my heart to a goddamn fool. I gave him everything.” He was fading fast. “Now there’s nothing left for you.” 

When that second screw dropped, I pushed against the door again. Kihyun was tiny, I could get in even though he was against the door. As it began to pry open, he lost the grip on my hands. I stood up to push on the door again and slipped in. “Kihyun, no. You don’t die on me, you hear me?” I asked, kneeling down to hold him.

“I lost everything. I have nothing left for you.” He winced as I gripped his forearms. I held him like that in my lap until the paramedics came. He passed out in my arms and I couldn’t let go.

As I had to let him go, I heard the medics talking among themselves. “Didn’t we just come get him yesterday?” One of them asked.

The other chuckled. “If he wanted to die, why not just shoot himself. It’s a lot less torture.” 

Minhyuk saw the rage flare up in my eyes and he grabbed me before I could choke one of them. “No, let them go.” I shook my head, starting to cry again.

“I can’t lose another, Minhyuk...” I grabbed onto his arms against me, falling to my knees. “I love him, I swear I do. I can’t lose him.” Minhyuk just nodded, rocking me softly. Not another one... please.


	20. comeback

"Kihyun Yoo," I sighed, watching a light move between both of my eyes. "I'm fine, just stitch my arms up, give me blood, and let me go."

Minhyuk rolled his eyes at me. "No, you're not fine. You overdosed and not even 24 fucking hours later, you almost die again. Do you really expect that you're going home?" He asked.

I scoffed, turning my attention back to the doctor. "Date of birth and your age?" She asked, checking my veins for a suitable one for the blood transfusion.

"November 22nd, 1993 and I'm 26 years old." I looked at her trying to find a vein, it would be comical if it wasn't pitiful. "You're gonna have a hell of a time finding a good vein... I shot them both a while ago." The doctor smiled softly, knowing it would make me feel a little bit better. "You know what, why are you here?" I asked Minhyuk, annoyed with his presence. "I don't want you here."

Dr. Hill, I think was her name, finally found one vein to be better than the other. "You wanted me there before slitting your arms, now you don't want me?" Wow, he knew how to be fucking considerate.

I chose to ignore him. I wanted Wonho. I didn't hold Minhyuk's hands before passing out, I held his. I cared about him. Yes, remorse was swallowing me whole. So it was proving hard to bite my tongue. "You walking away is what pushed me here. You promised you would help me, and the first slip I have, you fucking disappear on me. You didn't fucking ask about me, you just assumed I went sniffing around for drugs." It was like he never thought about that much and now it was clicking for him. "Do you want me to tell you everything that happened?" I asked, recreating the scene we had a few weeks ago.

"Yes," Minhyuk sighed. "I would like to know what happened."

Eventually, he would have to approach me for the information he sought after. "He came to the door while I was applying to jobs. Changkyun pushed past me to come inside, and he looked through the file we keep of my visits. He saw I was admitted for an opioid overdose, as if he didn't know. And the. He gave me a bag of drugs. Weed, heroin, some other shit. He called it a parting gift." Minhyuk nodded softly. Remembering what happened next had me break down. "I called you, Minhyuk... I called you, your job? I called Wonho. I called you guys. I didn't want them. I wanted to tell you. If you knew, I wouldn't feel like I needed to get rid of them. If you knew, I wouldn't be hiding behind your back." I closed my eyes, laying back in the bed.

Minhyuk sighed softly. "I just thought you asked him for them... I know I went to the people who destroyed me and got a fix. You're so much like me, you're scaring me."

I shook my head. "I'm not you though. I'm worse off, I know that scares you. But you wouldn't be where I am. Yeah, I guess you got a few fixes after you overdosed, I guess Dad gave up on you. But he came back around. You dug your heels in, not even letting me explain." I wiped my eyes, thinking about it all.

"I knew I lied. I just thought you would too." Minhyuk bit his lip. "I know it was wrong to think so, but we do that. We're addicts, Kihyun. We lie, we downplay, we avoid, then we relapse and we hide. That's what addicts do. We will always be recovering addicts." I refused to let that be me.

I just wanted to drop it. "Knock knock," I looked up to see Wonho at the door. "Can I come in?" He asked softly.

I nodded, reaching with my free hand for him. "Hi, baby." I loved him and it scared me. But I loved him all the same. 

Wonho wrapped his arms around me, trying to keep from crying. "Do you need to go back?" He asked. "I couldn't help you like I thought... do you need to go back? There's no shame if you do."

I didn’t know what it was I needed. “I just want them gone. If they’re gone, I promise I can be a better Kihyun.” Wonho kissed my forehead softly.

“You’re a pretty great Kihyun to me...” he smiled. “You have slip ups, but we all do. You’re not nothing and I know you have so much more to give.” It was sweet, but I couldn’t help but remember where being down this road before led me.

Suddenly, my monitor started beeping like crazy. “Kihyun?” Minhyuk asked, looking between me and the doctor. 

She rushed to check my heart beat. “I’m not sure what happened, he seems like he’s having a panic attack. Kihyun, can you hear me?” Of course I can hear you, why wouldn’t I be able to hear you?

My eyes fluttered shut and breathing became really difficult. “What’s happening to him?” Wonho asked. 

“Kihyun, you have to calm down for me,” she mumbled, her voice fading into nothing. What if I started to trust Wonho like I trusted Jooheon? He’s saying all the right words again. Who’s to say Wonho didn’t convince Kai to take her life? He doesn’t seem like that type of person, but Jooheon didn’t seem like that type of person either until he was telling me to kill myself every other day. 

What if I let Wonho in and everything is great? Until it isn’t? The flutter in my chest that I thought was just nerves about falling in love again was proving to be difficult on me. “He’s tachycardic and experiencing syncope, let’s get cardio in here. You two will have to go elsewhere, I’m sorry.” That was the last thing I paid attention to.

I came to in a hospital room, once again. What happened, I couldn’t tell you. I was getting a blood transfusion, a two hour procedure tops. The next thing I know, I’m admitted. “He’s awake,” Minhyuk said, going to get a doctor. Don’t leave me with him, please.

Wonho didn’t say anything. I looked up to see him on the other side of the room, far away from me. “Kihyun?” My cardiovascular doctor came in, smiling a bit. “My name is Dr. Oh. You gave us quite a scare there... are you prone to panic and anxiety attacks?” I nodded, holding my head softly. “Okay, well your heart rate rose quickly out of nowhere... You experienced a syncopal episode and fainted. We admitted you just to keep an eye on your heart rate. You’ll also visit with our psychiatry attending before you’re discharged tomorrow morning. Go ahead and get some rest, okay?”

I nodded a bit. “Thank you, Dr. Oh...” After he left, I looked over at Wonho. “I’m sorry... I just... I got scared.” Minhyuk took my hand, rubbing it softly.

“Scared of what?” Wonho asked. I didn’t want to talk about it. It made the fears real.

I shrugged, laying back in bed. How do I tell him that I was terrified of him because I was falling in love with him?


	21. fear

I was coming home again after another couple weeks at the hospital. Minhyuk was the only one who came to visit me this time. I guess Wonho walked away from me for real. I hurt him, I know. But that's not what I needed to focus on. My sobriety, I needed all my attention on that.

"I'm taking a few days off of work to get you back on your feet," Minhyuk said, breaking the silence in the car. He was still mad. Less mad, but still mad all the same.

I nodded, looking out the window. It was too quiet riding home, so I turned on the radio. Monsters by All Time Low started playing and it was a song I listened to all the time. "Why do all the monsters come out at night? Why do we sleep when we want to hide? Why do I run back to you like I don't mind if you fuck up my life?" It described how I was with Jooheon. Listening to songs like this helped me deal with my emotions.

"Whoa," Minhyuk said, turning off of the highway. "You're singing." 

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Yeah... what about it?" It's not like I had the best voice, I don't understand what he was so amazed with.

He came to a stop light at the exit and bit his lip. "You haven't sung in so long... you used to sing in high school. I haven't heard you sing in a while. It just took me off guard." I shrugged, not understanding why it was such a big deal.

Then I thought about it. Last time I sang was the fifth or sixth time I was partying high. The first time Jooheon took advantage of me. The time before I would put all my weight into the ground, hoping he couldn’t take me away from Minhyuk.

We had gone to a karaoke bar to celebrate Minhyuk’s internship. Before Minhyuk got there, Jooheon and I smoked blunts in his car and I even did a line. I can’t remember if Jooheon did anything like that. Even though I was high off my ass, I still carried a tune like nothing bothered me. But when I finished singing? I was dizzy and really out of it. 

I came down from the stage and fell onto Jooheon’s lap. “Oh my God, Kihyun?” Minhyuk asked. Jooheon wrapped his arms around me, keeping me up. 

“He wasn’t feeling too well before we left the house,” he said, lying his ass off. “I’ll just take him home to rest. Congratulations, Min. Proud of you, man.” 

When we got home, Jooheon led me to the bedroom. “When did we get here?” I asked, laughing a bit.

Jooheon chuckled, finding intoxicated me much more fun and outgoing... and apparently irresistible. “God, you’re so sexy like this.” He whispered, leaning into my ear as he sat down next to me. His right arm reached around my back, grabbing my waist. His left hand rested on my knee as he started kissing my neck. “You know... having sex when you’re high? It unlocks a whole different world for you.” I couldn’t bite back the moan. He was saying every right thing for my clouded mind.

“Maybe I’ll have to try it,” I laughed softly, turning to kiss him. That’s where I went wrong. Like I said, with Jooheon, once you say yes? There’s no turning back. He’s fucking North Carolina before 2019. 

Suddenly, I felt my body jerk and I came back to my reality, seeing Minhyuk’s arm reach across my chest and him riding his horn. “I’m sorry... are you okay?” He asked. I nodded softly, even though I was more or less confused.

The last time I sang was like four years ago? He took everything I was. I used to be the perfect choir student. I was such the choir teacher’s pet, I helped her run the department, just without getting paid. Every solo I did scored ones. Every ensemble I was a part of, we made it to finals. I didn’t even realize how much Jooheon took from me. He took more than I expected.

As we pulled into the parking lot of the apartments, Wonho pulled up too. Minhyuk and I got out, getting my things from the backseat. Wonho jumped out and I was there, unbeknownst to him. “H-Hi...” I smiled kindly, biting my lip anxiously. 

Wonho just flicked a head nod my way. “Hey, Min.” With that, he ran upstairs, leaving us in the dust.

“What?” Minhyuk turned toward me. “What was that about?” He asked.

I shrugged, sighing softly. “He admitted his feelings and I got scared and I’m running away, so he’s stopped chasing?” I started to walk inside, heading up to our apartment. As soon as I got to our door, I jumped hearing Wonho’s door slam above me. I could’ve cried right then and there.

Minhyuk came behind me, unlocking the door. “Hey,” he said, sitting the bag he was holding down. “Come here... you look like you want to cry.”

I nodded, dropping my bag and embracing him. It really hurt. It took a lot for Wonho to admit his feelings, I know. But it’s going to continue to take a lot for me to allow myself to be in a relationship. And it’s not my focus right now. What happened to all that understanding and convincing me not to sleep with him before? I wasn’t understanding what I did that changed everything.


	22. birthday

The day I hated the most. Not because of what happened on the first day this came around. But what happened every year after that. It was my birthday. The first and second years, I don't remember. The years from age three to eight, my mother was in tears every morning and every evening. Why? She called my father to try to get him to come see me. She never told me, but I always knew. I could hear her beg him to just come see about me. No, she wasn't calling for herself, and how dare he assume she would use me to get him. And he'd say she used him to get me, so who's to say that wasn't a change. All the while refusing to admit that he used her. When I turned nine, I woke up really early and even got up this time. I decided I was a big kid now. I told her not to call him this year or any year after this. I didn't need him if he didn't need me. That's when she finally gave up.

When I turned 12, people knew I was gay. It was "happy fag day" at school. No one else in school had my birthday, so it became a day dedicated to bullying me. I'm guessing teachers put cards in my locker the day before, because they would've seen all the decorations on my locker if they'd done it the day of. My locker looked like the back of Spencer's. Kids would hand me the dick shaped lollipops and make me eat it. I learned to skip on my birthday for the next two years of middle school.

Getting to high school birthdays... my mother only witnessed a couple of them. Minhyuk showed up to my birthdays high until he overdosed. During the school days, I learned to lie about my birthday. Everyone played Two Truths, One Lie. I would play Two Lies, One Truth instead. My birthday was November 3rd, Minhyuk's birthday. He wasn't ever allowed to answer on my 2T1Ls anyway. When he asked me why I took his birthday, I told him about middle school. My 16th birthday was awful. My mother was gone, Minhyuk was gone. I laid in bed all day, I refused to see anyone or do anything. I just cried. And if I'm not mistaken, my 16th birthday was the day I started self harming.

So, I'm not excited for today. It's another day. But I'm getting better, I used to say that it was another day towards death. Now, it's just another day. "Happy birthday to you," Minhyuk knocked at my door, walking in. "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Bubba. Happy birthday to you!" I sat up, stretching softly. "It's not much but I know you don't like celebrating your birthday, but it's still your birthday."

I didn't hear him after his song. I was looking at my phone, hoping Wonho remember. I heard Minhyuk tell him last night. He acted like he wasn't supposed to care. "Okay. I should know this why?" He asked.

"Because as mad as you are at him for being afraid to commit, which we don't want him committing to anything other than himself at the moment any damn how, you love him. You love him, he loves you, and I know he would appreciate having the people he loved for his birthday." Minhyuk was going to bat for me having a relationship? It was confusing but sweet nonetheless.

So, maybe I was expecting Wonho to pull through. The parallel between me and my mother was alarmingly huge. "Hey," Minhyuk said, pulling me out of my thoughts. "Your pancakes are getting waxy."

I looked up, gasping slightly before blowing out the candles. "Thank you, Min. It means a lot to me." I nodded, taking my plate of food to the kitchen.

"Is there anything you want to do today?" Minhyuk asked. Not really. Just one thing I never did before.

I nodded softly. "I want to get a job." Minhyuk's eyes widened. "I want to get my life back on track. I'm qualified to be a photographer, I want to go around applying again." He congratulated me for the initiative.

"I'm so proud of you. Let me know about ten minutes before you want to go for lunch or something." Minhyuk smiled and left me to my search.

We got ready to go for lunch at about 12:30, I needed to go eat before I got lightheaded. We went to a restaurant we used to go to when we first came to California. "Table for Lee Minhyuk,” I smiled softly, checking my phone again. 

The hostess furrowed her eyebrows. "I don't see a reservation under that name.” She frowned softly.

"What?" I asked. "Okay? Maybe try Yoo." No results for that either.

Well, this was frustrating. Minhyuk told her to check again. "You're not going to find the reservation under Lee Minhyuk.” I turned around, wondering why anyone else would know that. My eyes widened a bit when I realized who was speaking. “It’s under Lee Hoseok.” 

Minhyuk smiled, giving me a side hug. “You okay, Bubba?” He asked. I shook my head as I covered my mouth. 

I pulled away from Minhyuk to wrap my arms around Wonho, crying softly. “I thought you weren’t going to make it. I didn’t think you wanted me anymore.”

Wonho kissed my forehead, hugging me tightly. “Now how could I not want you? I’m sorry I’ve been distant... I was scared too.” I pulled away slightly to look at him. Wonho wiped my tears a bit. “I felt like I pushed you too much and I thought I was hurting you. I figured it’d be easier to avoid you.” He frowned a bit, feeling bad for my reaction.

“Well you didn’t have to be a dick,” I chuckled, kissing him softly. The waitress then led the three of us to a booth. 

After lunch, I went with Wonho. “We’re going on a date,” he smiled. “This is my gift to you.” I was head over heels excited for our first date.


	23. donor

My birthday was amazing. Our lunch date went well and we spent the entire day together. Wonho came through for me on one of the days I hate and if I didn't love him enough, this set it in stone. "So," Wonho smiled, swinging my arm as we walked the park. "How was your birthday? How do you feel?"

I smiled widely. "I feel like I'm floating on air. Like I can do anything." My phone started ringing again. 

"Okay, maybe you should answer that." Wonho sighed, pausing so I could check it.

I rolled my eyes, taking my phone out. "It's just Min, wondering where we are. I'm with you, that's all he needs to know." I put my phone back in my pocket.

He decided not to fight me on it. "Just make sure you call him when we're heading home? I don't want him worried about you." I agreed, starting to walk next to him again.

The autumn air was perfect. Crisp without extreme chill. Like a spring day. I turned and looked at our surroundings, seeing the leaves fly away from their branches. That's when I caught a glimpse of this man, sitting on a bench. His cries audible from the sidewalk we were on. "Awe... poor guy. Can we go check on him?" Wonho let me lead the way to go talk to him. "Excuse me, sir?" I asked, slowly approaching the man.

He was dressed in a black trench coat and suit. "Oh," he sniffled. "Hello." I froze up a bit, anxiety taking over. I wasn't sure why, but I couldn't pin it.

"Are you okay?" Wonho asked, holding my waist softly.

The man nodded. "Yeah," he sighed. "I just... lost both of my kids tonight."

His voice was haunting. Was he even real? Reality was starting to shift for me. "What happened?" I asked, pushing away the invasive thoughts.

"Well, one of my kids was in a car accident tonight and he was dead on impact." I furrowed my eyebrows sitting next to him. "The other, today is his birthday and he overdosed. I feel like the ground beneath me is crumbling to swallow me whole."

I took a deep breath. "Today's my birthday. I'm sorry for your losses." I said, hoping the man would look up at me.

He did, eyes reddened even in the moonlight. "I wasn't the smartest man... I didn't even get to say goodbye to either of them. I haven't even told one of them how much I loved them. I-I heard that the one who overdosed a while ago was in the hospital and I couldn't get here to see him. And now that I have, he's dead."

Wonho could feel my discomfort radiate. "Babe, we should go. Min's worried." I shook my head.

"Wh-What did he overdose on?" I asked. "And his name?"

The next few words made me sick to my stomach. "Heroin, apparently. His name was Kihyun." No. Fuck no.

I slowly stood up, walking away from this man. Who I don't think I can even call him now. "You believe in ghosts, John?" 

He furrowed his eyebrows. "How do you know my name?" He asked. I kept silent to see how long it'd take him to realize. 

He wasn't catching on. "Who told you I overdosed, John? Who called you? I asked for you when I needed you, when I was a kid. When my mother begged you to see me every single year on this day for ten years. When I needed a father. Who fucking called you?"

John gasped softly. "Kihyun?" He asked, reaching for a hug. I stepped away from him, accidentally hitting Wonho.

"Don't fucking touch me." The motherfucker had the audacity to act like he missed me. "I'm sorry you lost your son. But let's be brutally fucking honest. You never fucking had me. I am not your fucking son. Don't you dare act like you loved me or missed me or gave a damn about me." I rushed away, turning to get to Wonho's car.

My phone rang again. I answered it quickly. "Kihyun, your-"

I started screaming immediately. "Sperm donor's here? Yeah, I fucking ran into him in the goddamn park! He's in pieces over the 'two sons' he's lost tonight. Which one of you fucking told him I was dead?" Wonho caught up to me, holding me closely.

"Dad probably did, I haven't spoken to him at all." Minhyuk sighed. "Calm down, it's okay."

I scoffed. "Spare me your perky optimistic bullshit. He's crying over losing his son. He got into a car wreck tonight. The one he raised and fucking cares about. Why the fuck would any of you tell him anything about me?" We got to the car and I got into the front passenger's seat before fully breaking down.

Minhyuk shushed me softly. "I didn't talk to him, Ki. Dad did. Do not yell at me, I've been trying to call you and warn you."

He was right. That wasn't fair to him. "Okay, that's not right for me to yell at you. I'm sorry. But I'm pissed. I'm pissed and hurt and I'm coming home." I sighed softly, hanging up immediately.

"Wait!" The man was following us. I turned and saw him behind us as Wonho got in.

I shook my head, urging Wonho to turn the car on. We parallel parked since there wasn't any one around tonight. As soon as the car turned on, I put us in reverse. I didn't care, I was pissed off and I wanted him away from us. When Wonho hit the gas, we jerked backwards. "Kihyun, what the fuck?" He yelled, surprised that we were in reverse. John knocked on Wonho's window. He rolled it down start g to apologize immediately.

"Don't fucking say shit to that prick!" I yelled. I was pissed the fuck off. Furious. I saw red.

Wonho grabbed my arm roughly. "Hey!" He snapped. "I'm not gonna fucking kill the guy because you have a problem with him!"

I rolled my eyes, snatching away from him. "Oh fucking save it, you damn near put Changkyun in the hospital. Just fucking drive." I scoffed.

"What happened?" What the fuck did this guy want to care so bad for?

I rolled up Wonho's window for him, signaling him to drive. I just put my earbuds in, trying to relax. "Don't fucking do that again, Kihyun. I swear to God I will walk away. What if we were in a full parking lot and people saw me ram him? What if we hit another car? Don't fucking do that shit again."

He was starting to piss me off too. "Oh I'm so fucking sorry that was the first man to break my heart and he never fucking paid for it." My voice cracked in the middle. "That's my fucking fault." I was fully aware that I was being crazy. But I couldn't switch it off. 

Wonho fell silent for the rest of the ride. When we got home, I jumped out of the car, running upstairs before he could even shut the car off. Minhyuk was waiting for me when I unlocked the door. "Do you need a-" I ignored him and went straight to my room, slamming the door.

Rage. That's all I felt. With nothing to take it out with. I started throwing my bedsheets around, throwing anything I could get my hands on, tears incessantly streaming. I was having the best day and he just fucked it up, like he's fucked everything in my life up thus far.


	24. chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kihyun decides to give John a chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: religious reasons behind despicable decisions, mentions of abuse.
> 
> *I am a Christian. I grew up Christian. This chapter paints a HUGELY negative picture of a “Christian” to the point that you cannot even call this John character a Christian. No harm is intended by this outlandish portrayal. Viewer discretion is advised

I woke up leaning against my bedroom door. I must've cried myself to sleep here. My phone was in my hand, dead. I groaned, standing up and working out the cramps in my body.

When I opened the door, my heart dropped a bit. "Minhyuk?" I asked, trying to shake him awake. "Bear!" I slapped his thigh, causing him to jump.

"Ow! Fuck, Kihyun. Are you alright?" He sat up leaning against the wall. I took a deep breath climbing onto him and hugging him tightly. "What's wrong, Bubba?" He asked.

I shook my head. "No, I thought you were dead. I'm sorry." He pouted softly and got up to hug me. 

Minhyuk sighed a bit, "Kihyun... I really think you should give John a chance to have a conversation." And I was about to dispute that suggestion until he spoke up again. "And before you say no! Listen to me. Do you remember my cousin?"

I nodded. "The one who basically ruined your life and got you started on drugs?" That was the one.

"Did you know that I experienced something like what you went through?" He asked. I shook my head, I didn't know. "I was getting high with my cousin and his older friends. One of his douchebag friends started feeling me up and he told him 'Why don't you two get a room already?' And that led to that fucker taking me upstairs. All my cousin did was laugh. We grew up together. It hurt me tremendously that he laughed at my violation and was too high to even try to stop it. If I didn't knee that guy in the stomach, I would be in a much different situation right now. No one stopped him, not even the one person I trusted at this hang out. I told him to never talk to me again for as long as he lived, whether he got clean or not. And a couple weeks later? He overdosed. Stroked out. He needed a heart transplant that never came through in time. My cousin died and I never got to talk it out with him. I feel guilty about that every single day. That's when I started getting high more often. I don't want you to live your life wondering what type of conversation you could've had with John. What type of apology you could get to help you heal. John could die tomorrow and you'd still blame him for dying before apologizing sincerely to you." The fucker had a point.

I sighed softly. "Tell Dad to text me John's number." I didn't want to, but maybe he was right. Maybe this could've been my last chance to talk to him for some reason. Maybe that's why he came. Not necessarily because he truly cared about me, but to get something off his chest before he died. That's the only reason I'm willing to listen to him.

Later on, I got that phone number from Dad for John. So, with the help of Minhyuk, I sat down at our kitchen table and called him. As the phone rang on speaker, the anxiety was crawling up my throat like bile after a long night's party binge. "You got this, Kihyun." Min said. "If there's any reason you can't speak, let me know. I'm here to help you."

I nodded and the other end picked up. "Hello?" John asked.

"Uhm," I mumbled. "H-Hi, John. It's Kihyun. First off, I would like to... I-I want to apologize for almost having my boyfriend run you over last night. I still have... issues to work through." Minhyuk sat down next to me and offered me his hand.

John sighed a bit. "I would run me over too if I were either of you. I understand."

Maybe he did feel remorse? "Uhm... ho-how long are you going to be here in town?" I couldn't bring myself to ask the next question, no matter how much I wanted to.

"Maybe a day or two. We have to get Matthew's body back home." Matthew... I once had a half-brother named Matthew.

It was a lot to take in and I had to tap out, the tears making it impossible to speak. Minhyuk stood up and pulled me into his chest for me to relax. "Hi, John. My name's Minhyuk. I'm Kihyun's brother. He's really shaken up right now, but he called because he wanted to touch base with you before you went home. Would it be okay if we met you at a little cafe we know? In a couple hours?" 

John took a while to respond. Too long for my taste. There was no use in giving him the benefit of anything. "Fuck it, Min. He's not gonna fucking show up just to talk to me." I sighed, laying my head down on the table.

"No, no!" He said hurriedly. "That's not why I took a while to respond, I'm sorry. I'm checking in on my daughter." More salt in the gaping wound. I had a half-sister too apparently. "I'd be more than glad to meet you guys. Send me the address and I'll see you at about 2:00pm? Is that a good time for everyone?" 

I looked up, wiping my tears. "Yeah... we can do that. See you then." I hung up before he even had a chance to say goodbye. "What time is it now?" I asked.

Minhyuk looked at my phone. "Almost noon, why?" He asked.

"I don't need a meeting... but goddamn it I wanna drink." This is how I coped with every hard thing in my life. "I want a drink, I want a hit, I want anything to stop my stomach from eating itself out." 

Minhyuk sighed softly. "I'm relieved to hear you say that." I furrowed my eyebrows as he let go and sat down next to me. "Normally, you'd just go have a drink and hide the evidence. At least you're admitting it to me." He pat my hand and suggested I go take a shower, get some food and get dressed.

We arrived at the cafe late, believe it or not. I scanned the room to see John sitting with a baby, feeding her a bottle. "Oh God," I mumbled. "I-I can't do this. Minhyuk, he had a whole goddamn family without me. Now I have to face that? I'm not ready for this."

There was a reason I called Minhyuk, Bear. His bear hugs worked wonders at calming my nerves. "You're okay, Bubba. I'm not leaving you alone with him. You can talk to him. You don't have to censor yourself. All your feelings are valid." I nodded, shimmying out of his hug. He held my hand as we approached the table.

"Kihyun," John smiled softly. "Hello, you must be Minhyuk?" Minhyuk reciprocated his smile and shook his hand. 

Minhyuk turned his attention to who I assumed to be my baby sister. "And who is this little cutie?" He asked.

"Meet Maiya," John said tilting his body so we could see her. I nodded softly sitting down as Minhyuk turned to complete mush for her.

I wasn't too thrilled to be here in the first place. "Well, let's talk." I deadpanned the conversation hoping to convey how much I wanted this over. "John, tell me about your life. The past 28 years." I wanted to know things about my mother. What could make him choose to not stand up and take care of his first family? I know damn well I was his first kid.

"Well, that'd be the time I'd met your mother," he nodded, continuing to take care of Maiya. "She was a sweetheart. A troubled girl when I met her."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Girl?" I asked. Either he never learned to call a grown woman a woman or she wasn't a grown woman when they met.

John sighed a bit. "She was 16 when I met her. I met her at the church. I introduced her to Christianity. Or reintroduced her." I held back what I wanted to say until later. "She was truly troubled. She was struggling with depression. Your mother wasn't far off from you. It must be a genetic thing."

Minhyuk grabbed my hand, knowing that shit just pissed me off. "Excuse me?" I asked, clearly offended.

"Well, scientifically, there's a 40-60% link between genetics and addiction. Your mother was 16 and highly strung out on any and everything." 

I chuckled softly. "Do Christians even believe in fucking science?" I asked.

John laughed a bit. "You definitely got your humor from her. Of course Christians believe in science." He continued on with his illustration of my mother from his perspective. "I mean, by the time she was 18, she was selling her body for drugs." My jaw locked. Surely he had to be lying to me. "I had a house with my late wife and a house I was trying to rent out. I told your mother she could stay there and start renting it when she finally got clean and got a job. Many late nights I ended up spending there. And one thing led to another. She got pregnant really soon after. She got clean and took care of herself better. She was going to choose an abortion, just to keep slinging cocaine."

I shook my head. "You're fucking lying to me." My heart was thumping in my ears again. "My mother would not do these things. You had to have come up with this bullshit to make yourself feel better about abandoning your merry fucking mistress." How fucking dare he slander my mother like that? "The drugs, I can understand and live with." John scoffed a bit. 

"Obviously," he mumbled. Was this a fucking joke? "Kihyun, I'm not lying about your mother. I wouldn't do that."

That's where I lost it. "Oh really? You wouldn't lie? Let me ask you this, when your wife died did she know her husband had a son that wasn't hers?" Minhyuk's jaw dropped slightly. I knew he wanted to tell me to tread lightly but that wasn't happening. "Was Matthew the only child she knew you had? Because I know you wouldn't have told her anything that would've dismantled your fucking marriage." John was quiet and I knew I was right.

"Your mother needed help I could no longer give her. I led her to God and from that point on, there was no need for me to be involved." He said.

I rolled my eyes. "Enough with this God bullshit!" I yelled. "God didn't lead you to fuck her, knock her up and leave her! You think there wasn't a need for you to involved? News flash, I should've been plenty of reason to be involved. I should've been the reason you were involved. All my life, I've been looking for a love no one can fucking give me because they're not my goddamn father! Do you think if I had my father in my life I would've been as fucked as I was on drugs? Do you think I would've maybe known that I was worth more than some abuser's fuck toy? Do you think that I would've let someone drug me, use my body like it belonged to them, let them beat me, let them damn near kill me if I had one fucking ounce of you? Because I think if my father would've found me worth at least one fucking ounce of involvement, I wouldn't have stood for the shit I did! I would not be a 27 year old, three-week sober little bitch. Matthew got you, Maiya gets you, why didn’t I get you? What about me wasn’t worth staying, John?”

Minhyuk tried to calm me down, noticing everyone staring as us. “You were a bastard child, Kihyun. Plain and simple.” John said. And he said it so... coldly. As if I wasn’t worth his time because he had an affair. “I couldn’t have that around my church. I committed a sin and you are living proof of that sin.” Minhyuk glared at him, ready to speak up.

“I’m a bastard and you’re a self righteous motherfucking son of a bitch.” I grabbed my phone, standing up. “Thou shalt not commit adultery, thou shalt not bear false witness, thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, thou shalt not cover thou neighbor’s wife.” John was taken aback for a second. “You cheated on your wife, you had sex out of wedlock, you killed a young boy’s spirit, you stole that young boy’s childhood joy away every time you denied me, every time you refused to see me. Motherfucking Ephesians 6:4 reads, ‘Fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath.’ The fuck did you think you were doing? By trying to undo one sin you committed six others. And the one thing you could’ve done? You should’ve let her have an abortion. That would’ve undid your sin pretty motherfucking quick. At least my mother lived in her truth. You ran away from yours.” John was surprised that I knew what I was talking about. “And it’s not like you fucking cared, at all, but Changkyun is the whore my abusive ex-boyfriend would fuck right in front of me. To make me realize I was replaceable. To make me realize that I didn’t have what he needed. To make me see that another person gave him everything I couldn’t. To show me I didn’t mean shit to the one person I thought I could mean the most to. He took advantage of me, Jooheon did. Multiple times. He took everything I was and threw me away like you did. Dear father of mine, you should’ve let her fucking kill me!” I shoved the table into him, careful enough to not hurt the baby. 

I rushed out of the cafe finally breaking into the tears that I’d been holding back. “Kihyun,” Minhyuk whimpered, putting his hand on my shoulder. 

I quickly embraced him, letting out a screaming cry. “I hate him! Min, I hate him. I hate this! Why did you make me do this?!” He held onto me tighter than he ever had before, crying with me. 

“Shh, Bubba,” he kissed my forehead. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry. I never meant for this to hurt you. I-I wanted to believe he really had something important to say.”

I shook my head. “Fuck him!” I couldn’t stop crying. I wanted this to work too. I wanted this to be good too. But it did nothing but send me back to square one. I never knew I could hurt more than Jooheon hospitalizing me.


	25. burning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kihyun discovers more about his father; John wants to talk again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: child grooming, statutory r*pe
> 
> Definition of grooming: befriending and establishing an emotional connection with a child, and sometimes the family, to lower the child's inhibitions with the objective of sexual abuse
> 
> Definition of statutory r*pe: nonforcible sexual activity in which one of the individuals is below the age of consent (the age required to legally consent to the behavior)

When we got home after going to a meeting to try to detox every impurity that conversation was, I made my way upstairs to see Wonho. I hadn't seen him since yesterday. I apologized to him while I got ready to go meet the Devil in person. But I still needed to see him and be with him. "Wonnie," I whimpered, dry sobs leaving my throat. "Baby, I need you right now. Are you busy?" I asked as I knocked on the door. He'd left his door open. Was he expecting me or Hyungwon? "Wonho?" I called, walking into his apartment. 

Wonho came out of his bedroom, seemingly depressed about something. "What's up?" He asked. I furrowed my eyebrows, walking to him. It took him a second but he broke down shortly after. "I'm sorry, uhm..." He whimpered. "I got word from my sisters back home and my mom isn't doing too well. She's starting to struggle with her memory and everyday tasks. She's showing signs of early onset dementia. And it just kinda hit hard." 

I've grown as a person, I've noticed. Usually, I would say the first thing on my mind, which would be "Wow, I wish I had dementia. I'd be able to forget things I want to forget." Instead, I wrapped my arms around him and let him let his emotions go. "I'm sorry this is happening to you love. But it's going to be okay. I know your mother is your rock." I honestly wasn't sure what I was supposed to say. I hadn't had my mother for years. I guess I would feel like this if something happened to Minhyuk.

"Thank you," he sighed. "I'm okay. What's wrong, why'd you need me?" Wonho was a bleeding heart. Even when he needed to be concerned for himself and have his feelings, he always wanted to help someone else. 

I just shrugged. "You don't have to listen to it. Only if you want to." Wonho nodded, offering to sit down with me. "I met with John today," I sighed.

Wonho raised his eyebrows. "I can tell it already didn't go well." I shook my head before answering.

"He basically told me my mom was a common whore, I got my addiction tendencies from her. He acts like he wasn't in his late 20s, fucking with a teenager. Like he didn't abandon us. He called me a sin and I called him six times the sinner." I leaned into Wonho. "I did want it to work. I wanted to reconnect with him." Wonho reached off the side of his couch, grabbing his laptop. "What are you doing?" I asked.

Wonho turned his laptop on, sitting back. "We are about to see who this motherfucker really is." I cocked an eyebrow and just sat back, giving him the information I had on him. After Wonho went digging and digging back into the news from my hometown, we froze up as the search populated.

"Collingswood, New Jersey... that's it." I began reading the headlines.

"Collingswood Pastor Under Fire For Grooming Teen"  
"Mount Sinai of Collingswood Releases Pastor"

I wanted to vomit. "He's always worked there, they're just now figuring out how shitty he is?!" I yelled, seeing how recent the date was.

Wonho's eyes widened. "You mean to tell me... This isn't the first time he's done this?"

I shook my head. "The first was my mother, she was 16 and addicted to drugs." I continued reading the article. "Oh my God," I scoffed. "He has a daughter... she's a newborn." I kept reading because the sinking feeling in my stomach was about to prove something to me.

"The teenager in question recently gave birth," Wonho read slowly. "Holy shit."

And that's when I started to cry. "I have to do something... I-I have to. Maiya is my sister, the newborn. And this man shouldn't keep having kids. Not when he treats them like me, or gets them from people like my mother. What part of his brain doesn't recognize that our mothers were and still are children?" For once in my life, I didn't want to drink at the announcement of troubling information. I just wanted a plan.

"But they still live in New Jersey, what are you going to be able to do?" Wonho asked. "You can't go back because Jooheon and Changkyun are there."

I sighed a bit. "To be fair, they're anywhere I am. They find me." I started thinking the possibilities of me going home. Not possible. I dragged Minhyuk out here and moved him away from everyone. How fucked would it be to move back after we've just gotten settled here? I also had Wonho to think about.

He started searching alternatives. "Would you consider adopting her? Working out something where you get power of attorney over her?"

I couldn't help but laugh. "You think they'll give a newborn baby to a newborn clean gay guy?" I asked.

"Okay, fair," Wonho chuckled. "We could always pray that John ends up in trouble while he's here. As dickish as he was today, I don't think he'd give her to a total stranger."

That was a far cry, he was leaving soon. "I guess... I just feel fucking useless. If I would've known this,  
I would've played my cards differently today. I would've gained his trust. Minhyuk had a connection right away, gushing over Maiya. I didn't want anything to do with her. I was actually jealous of a baby, having the father in her life that I wanted. But that's not a father I needed in my life. And she doesn't deserve to be stuck with him either." My phone started to ring. "Speak of the literal fucking devil."

I picked up my phone, and immediately John began motor mouthing. "Kihyun, I need you to meet me at the cafe again. Please, I just want to talk bring who you want but can we just ride and talk?" Wonho could hear him and he nodded, telling me he'd go with us if I wanted to.

"Fine, John. But no more berating me. You learned pretty damn quickly that I don't play that shit anymore." I got up and grabbed a blanket that Wonho bought me while I was in the hospital. 

John agreed quickly, "That's perfectly fine. I want to hear you. Listen to you."

“Okay, fine, whatever.” I hung up shortly after. Wonho and I got ready to go. 

Wonho grabbed my hand and stopped me from walking out. “We’re sharing our location with Minhyuk and Mr. Lee,” he said. “I don’t feel right about this.” I nodded, turning mine on and explaining to them what was happening. So I guess we’re talking with John again.


	26. bridge

As soon as we got to the cafe, Wonho and I had to jump in John's car. Wonho say in the back with Maiya, watching her. "So," I sighed. "Am I just sharing my life story with you?"

John nodded, "Anything you want to tell me, tell me." I bit my lip. He was a much more docile man than he had been earlier.

"My mother stayed clean after I was born. I was never without her for a moment until someone killed her in a road rage incident." I started. "She was my mother and father all in one because you were never there. You never wanted to be. She died when she was 31, way too young to be gone. I'm getting close to that age and I thought I would've died years ago. I was 15. It's been 12 years without either of my parents, 27 years without you. I don't understand why you want to get to know me now." That was only the tester to see if he would actually fight me. "I'm gay, that's a sin right?" Nothing, he just let me talk. "That's my boyfriend back there. But before him, there was a... a complete monster that I wish would've killed me years ago. I met him in high school and I didn't start dating him until I turned 22. He was abusive, manipulative. I know you think I got my addiction from my mother? But you really should've met Jooheon. I was his property. And I stayed because I thought he really wanted me. But he just wanted to use me and abuse me. He really wanted Changkyun. That was his dirty mistress. And he never let me forget it. I guess one thing you'd have on him is that you never fucked your mistresses in front of your wife. I'm sorry, I shouldn't call them mistresses. You never fucked teenage girls in front of your wife." John's jaw tightened, proving to me that he was guilty and he knew it. "I wanted you in my life for years. But there is a God. I thought He kept you away from me because I was supposed to suffer. But I guarantee He did the best thing He could for me, which was keep you away."

John sighed, taking a turn onto the highway. "Kihyun..." he started. "What I did with your mother and Maiya's mother was consensual." Never would he try that on me.

"And what my ex-boyfriend did to me when I was drunk and high was consensual too." The sarcasm was heavy in my voice. "I've said yes so many times to him, but I know now that none of it was safe or sane. Pressured consent isn't a yes. Obligatory consent isn't a yes. And being 16 years old, having sex with a grown man isn't a yes either. You're actually pathetic if you believe that you're in the right here. You are 55 years old with a brand new daughter, John. A daughter born to a 17-year-old. Who rightfully got your job taken away. Do you really think you're the best role model for her? Were you the best role model of Matthew? I highly doubt it." I glanced over to see him crying. It pissed me off.

I went into the middle console to get him a napkin or something to dry his pathetic tears. I came across and envelope that had been addressed to Dad. It was something from Matthew. I picked it up and started reading through it. As I got halfway through, John noticed. "I drove my son to suicide." He admitted, breaking down into even more tears. "I taught him wrong, I hurt him. And I mistreated him, I never gave him peace on Earth. I was the definition of provoking my child to anger. I still am."

I knew this route he was taking. I would find myself here many of times after a binge. He was heading to a secluded bridge. I started texting my dad, telling him to call 911 right now. This man was about to kill himself. “That’s true, I’m not gonna tell you anything different. I’m not going to lie to you, but I know what you’re thinking.” Maiya woke up and started crying. Wonho tried to shush her and I turned around, tears building up in my eyes. I didn’t know if this was real or just a manipulation tactic. But I was terrified. I mouthed to Wonho. “Call Minhyuk, please.” John started to exit the highway and slow down, taking that right turn I knew all too well.

The ride to this bridge was silent. But John didn’t decide anything different. He didn’t change his mind. When we pulled over, John got out. “I need to feed her,” he mumbled. 

“Kihyun, what’s wrong?” Wonho asked as soon as the door closed. 

I turned to him, starting to get out. “He’s gonna try to kill himself and he can’t get to this fucking bridge with Maiya. He’ll take her with him.”

As I got out of the car, John opened the back door and got Maiya out of her carseat. “Come on baby, let’s eat and go back to sleep.” He sighed. I followed with him while he fed her.

“John?” I asked softly. “I-I can feed her, okay? Why don’t you just sit down?” We were walking to the bridge.

He shook his head. “No, it’s okay. I can feed her.” God, please stop walking. 

I nodded, trying to figure out how to get Maiya without hurting her. “Okay but you look like you’re gonna pass out, just hand her over.” He started to fight me again, but I cut him off. “Dude just fucking give me my sister!” He turned on his heel and scoffed at me.

“Sister?” He asked. “Please, don’t act like you’ve always wanted a sister from me. What the fuck do you care?”

As he started walking again, we were gaining speed. I couldn’t keep up and I tripped over a rock, cutting my face up pretty badly. “Fuck,” I groaned. “I care because she’s just a baby!” I got up and ran to catch up. “John, she’s just a baby, she’s done nothing.” He wasn’t hearing me.

“No,” he said. “She’s a sin, just like the rest of you.” I glanced behind me to see if any police were in the way. “None of you should be here right now. I shouldn’t be here. What’s the point when we’re going to Hell?”

I didn’t know how to talk to this guy. “That baby in your arms in an angel. She’s pure. She hasn’t hurt anyone, done anything wrong. She’s got a whole life ahead of her.” I finally saw the red and blue lights flash against the trees in front of us. Now I can talk, there’s a chance. “I know what it feels like to want to die, John. Or feel like you need to die. But don’t take her with you. If there’s anything good you can do in your life?” I turned around and saw police men coming, Wonho and Minhyuk following behind them. “Give her to me. Put her in my arms, John. It’s okay.” He shook his head, continuing to ignore everyone around him. I ran ahead of him, blocking access to the bridge while the officers caught up.

“Get out of my way, Kihyun,” he said. “You know what has to be done.”

I shook my head, holding my arms out. “Give me Maiya,” I said. “If you give me Maiya, I’ll move. I’ll let you go.” John was contemplating it. “And I’d hurry up if I were you, because an officer is gonna tackle you in the next 10 seconds.” And that was enough for him to finally put Maiya in my arms.

I did what I said I was going to do and moved out of the way. I didn’t give a shit if he lived or died, I wasn’t making any promise to save his life. I needed this sweet little girl in my arms, safe and sound. As soon as I moved, John turned to see police gaining on him. He ran straight up to the bridge as fast as he could.

I started walking away, listening to the scene behind me. Another officer came up to me. “Does she belong to you or him?” She asked.

I was shaking head to toe. “His daughter, my sister. Considering he almost killed her, you’re damn right she belongs to me.” I wasn’t letting her go for nothing. “Wonho, get her diaper bag and put her car seat in Min’s car.” I heard the splash in the distance. They didn’t catch him in time. I jumped as I heard it, tears finally falling. I couldn’t imagine this actually killing him, too many people were around and could help him.

Minhyuk hugged me tightly, taking me back to his car. “You’re okay, Kihyun. Alright?”

I nodded, looking down at the fussing baby in my arms. “You hear that, Maiya?” I sniffled. “We’re okay. No one’s gonna hurt you. Nothing’s gonna get you. You’re safe with me. This is a dramatic way to actually meet you, bug. But I’m Kihyun. I’m your big big brother.” Wonho came up to me letting me know her car seat was in and the officer I talked to had checked it out as well. He gave her my contact information. “Alright, baby girl. Let’s get you home, okay?” After my spiel, she cooed, seeming to understand me.


End file.
